I'm Afraid I HAVE TO QUIT

"Even if our efforts of attention seem for years to be producing no result, one day a light that is in exact proportion to them will flood the soul"

~Simone Weil

... who, after a lifetime of battling illness and frailty, died in August 1943 from cardiac failure at the age of 34. The coroner's report said that "the deceased did kill and slay herself by refusing to eat whilst the balance of her mind was disturbed." Despite all her concerted efforts,

apparently the light never did flood her soul.

I decided to focus on the Healthy Reflections from Sparkpeople quote for the day because it was just so darn spot-on in what I've been thinking about since yesterday.

What we can learn about patience from a diamond
"Trying (but failing) to see your goals realized can be frustrating. Margaret Thatcher once said "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it," and she was absolutely right. You've got to believe that you will succeed! Never admit defeat as long as time and effort remain. Our greatest asset is patience; our greatest weakness is throwing in the towel. Banish discouragement and feelings of impossibility by working hard, doing more, and not giving in! A diamond was only made beautiful after millions of years as a lump of coal."

I was just thinking about how painful is the loss I feel after having released 62 pounds, to re-acquire 24 of them back. I realized I have been beating myself up, over and over again, every day, all day... when I notice the bulge at top of my legs that was gone, the little bloop of flesh around my knees that had disappeared, the extra fullness around my waist in the back which had miraculously smoothed out... and I keep mentally berating myself. I must QUIT IT.

I have to QUIT with the self-flagellation, I have to QUIT getting my hair shirt out every day and putting it on. If the rest of the world-who-actually-knows-me who has seen me regain some weight thinks negatively about me? What business is it of mine? The only way I can change it, is to CHANGE it. And beating myself up day after day about not being able to enjoy RIGHT NOW the benefits of shedding the particular amount of pounds I had, is not going to put me any closer to get that 24-pound battle won this time. And now is all I have right now.

I remember something somebody once said: "If you've got one foot in tomorrow and the other in yesterday, you can't help but piss all over today." So graphic, but so true. So I am HEREBY PUBLICLY FORGIVING MYSELF for being human, being like (unfortunately) 80% of all people who lose weight, and letting it creep back on. If any of those self-destructive thoughts come again, I have selected a suitable phrase I won't print here I'll use to get rid of them. And I will simply move forward, SET FREE from the tyranny of my own self-defeating guilt, and FINISH BANISHING THE 24 into oblivion!