A Cat Fell Out of My Bra

Know how when you first get up in the morning and it's dark and you're eyes are half-open and your melatonin levels haven't dropped yet, so you may tend to not see things as they really are? I think that happened this morning.

I suddenly awoke a little too early, realized I had to go to the bathroom, rolled up on my bed and began stumbling across the room. As I got up I noticed my sportbra (I usually wear to bed because I'm too lazy to pull it off over my head by that time) was sort of twisted on my body, and began adjusting it on the way. Then it seemed as if something penny-sized and black dropped from somewhere in the vicinity of my head down into the bra. I reacted by stretching the bra out from the bottom away from my body and twisting rapidly to cause whatever that was to fall through, and the next thing I SAW was a black cat running out from under my feet. So my BRAIN read that as, a cat fell out of my bra. And this perception was reinforced by the fact that no small black items were subsequently discovered by quick glances, in the bra or on the floor.

Which brings me to the point of how adept our brains are at distorting the truth, or taking several streams of input, and delivering erroneous conclusions. It goes hand in hand with our cunning ability to deceive ourselves. I tackled my advent list with great fervor, but never really read the whole thing and applied analytical thinking skills to it. MY GOODNESS... have you really read or thought about that onerous taskmaster? Well, no doubt you haven't, because, after all, it WAS my own assignment for myself. And in my usual inimitable fashion, I fell back into old ways of setting nearly impossible assignments and simply expecting that I would sail through and if I didn't I would label myself a schlub.

Here are the assignments I missed the past five days:
Day 15. Spend Less Time on E-mail. Remove yourself from mailing lists that bring you nothing. Check e-mails only once or twice a day.
Day 16. Simplify your life. Go through everything you own. Eliminate anything that no longer serves you. Give it away to people who may need it, and be grateful for what you have and what you are able to share.
Day 17. Give More. Find a way to contribute your resources, time, energy and talents to a noble cause.
Day 18. Be Flexible. If things don't turn out the way you wanted, just readjust your approach. Day 19. Watch Less TV and Rent Less DVDs. Consider getting rid of your TV entirely, but try going on a TV fast at least one day per week.
Day 20.Take a 60 minute walk every morning. Don't Go Anywhere By Car You Could Walk or Ride a Bicycle.

Wonder what ever led me to believe I could accomplish all that, one a day, in the heighth of the holiday rush, while starting a new work project, and running a business? I still think they are really good goals...the 60-minute walk thing, that is what I usually do, but let slide since Wednesday (of COURSE I have (a) perfectly MARvelous excuse(s)!!! Dare you ask?) The be-flexible thing, I am always working on that. The give-more, I started about a month ago with a little book called Every Monday Matters, but my community charity needs a bit of stepping up. I am trying to do the spend less time on email...less dawdling time...get through it in one sitting and check personal only one time more. I have actually been practicing the pare-down-everything-I-own one. I started going through my closet when I went on the Initial Weight-Release Push last October, and have eliminated copious amounts of clothing.

On the 22 of December, my husband and I were slated to tackle a storeroom for which we have been paying for NINE YEARS. Talk about a decadent waste of resources! It is going to be tough because there are a bunch of things from my late parents' home and from his parents...he says he's ready. However he did not push to start on that day. I have simply been dragging my emotional feet. Maybe I can find a book on how to let go of the "things" of dead loved ones. Just thinking about facing it makes me tear up.

And maybe I'll find when I finish, it will have some heavy emotional benefit that removes some invisible barrier in my weightloss journey. We'll see.... meanwhile, if the cats are going to be crawling into my undergarments while I am wearing them, in my sleep, I'm going to have to go invest in larger sportsbras.

The Princess Comes Full Circle

Wow... time has flown...NOT. This year has felt like a decade. Ups and downs and spirals. But I guess that is pretty much how most people have felt recently.

On Tuesday I am planning to get up early, go down to my polling place, Palma Ceia Baptist Church, cast my votes, and promptly go on my 2008-campaign- and TV-fast for the rest of the day, whereby any visual clue of anything remotely related to Campaign '08 will be met with a turned head, the hand, and if audio is involved, possibly the lalalalalalalalala-I-can't-hear-you treatment. I will place myself in a controlled environment where my senses do not have to be assaulted by political pollution, where I am in control of the sounds wafting to my ears, and will remain out of touch with news of the outside world for at least 24 hours. I will go into my happy place and wait until the shouting and screaming is all over. I will wake up the next day and discover in what manner the American people have chosen to be screwed the next four years, and then I will go shopping for the appropriate lubricant, and carry on.

That being said today is the official re-launch of my detoxifying plan for my body and mind. I've already begun, nay, I've never completely abandoned the plan I began last October. I was able to shed 62 pounds of toxins by the end of February this year, and felt and looked pretty darn good. Alas, I've allowed several pounds of toxins to re-enter my temple, and now they must be summarily dealt with, in addition to several other toxic closets which need removal.

I know what works, and there are so many good places to go and find support for basic healthy living whether you want to shed weight or not...I just discovered Doug Kaufmann, with his highly informative experts like Tullio Simoncini, M.D. (a good doctor) and Suzy Cohen, a pharmacist who thinks 'outside the pill,' and believes though prescribed medicine is needed at times, natural solutions exist and are often safer than drugs. Doug's site is fabulous, with videos, and articles and fascinating discoveries about the link between cancer and fungi. He offers detailed advice about how starving fungus would reverse the symptoms that contribute to so many health problems we Americans suffer from! And of course I continually find great info on Dr. Mercola's website--- I use his sublingual vit-D spray and am looking forward to getting the Krill oil. All of these resources fall right in line with what I'd discovered about sticking with mainly raw fruits and veggies, alkalinizing my body as much as possible--- that meant cutting out acid-producing foods -- not necessarily acidic foods!--- which would mean eschewing meat and dairy, and not turning to substitutes which could cause as many problems, like processed soy products. Easy on the good fats, too, even EVOO, walnuts, almonds, and I have read grave warnings from many sources about avoiding things grown IN the dirt that have a high degree of contamination, like peanuts and mushrooms and corn. Basically I eliminated the FIVE EVIL WHITES (at least for the initial detoxifying stage)-- flour, sugar, salt, dairy, and meat-- oh but all meat is not white, you say, to which I reply, it is all permeated to some degree or another with white fat. When I'm red hot and rollin' on this hot tamale train of a program, I will treat myself with raw wild salmon from time to time and fermented juice of the vine.

Okay, I didn't just shed the weight that way, I also began walking every day at least one hour, and although to say I was faithful every day would be a lie, for five months I never went longer than one day in between without walking-- and sometimes adding toning exercises. And I stayed in touch with others who had similar goals, which I shall do again this time. I have a very special friend, who is my JEWEL, who has shed more than 80 pounds of toxins and kept it off for a few years now. She is my mentor and my coach for the rest of this journey, and has been a rock for me throughout. I've also had the support of several dear friends and family members, and I am so blessed and grateful to be able to count on them as well.

So with no further ado, it is time for me to finish my alkalinized water (I also love to use the Super Green powders from time to time), don my running shoes, and get the bod down to the bay for a wonderful walk in this delightful crisp fall weather. I've come full circle from a year ago, but I'm a few levels up on the spiral, and I can see light above.

Won't See You In September

It is fairly pathetic when one's blog becomes about why one hasn't blogged.

Okay, I'll dispense with it summarily: I skipped September.

And most of October.

Look, if I knew how to deal with all my problems easily I wouldn't be blogging them, right? Trying to vomit out on paper all the various and sundry emotions, thoughts, and analyses and picking through the pieces, one by one, to see what my last verbal meal consisted of--- yep, I'm leaving that prep dangling there on purpose, so, nyah.

A close friend died sometime in the night Saturday. On vacation in the Keys. Just laid down and went to sleep, and didn't get up Sunday. That's why I'm back on my blog today. Not to work through the emotions, but because of things unfinished. Her sudden death reminded me of those.

Reminded me of all the times we spent together, and all the times yet to spend we thought we were going to have.

Reminded me of the robust bottles of wine we'd shared over the past several years, and the martinis, and the Southwestern stuffed olives I'll never pull out of her fridge again.

Reminded me of the last overcooked meat patty she fixed me a few weeks ago, which I shouldn't have had but I didn't want to burden her with my raw demands because she seemed so pleased to be barbecuing in her new-found freedom from a relationship...and I am so glad I ate it.

Reminded me of the adorable skirt she was wearing, that the other three of us there coveted, and how I joked with her I'd like her to leave me that in her will. I really didn't want it that bad.

Reminded me of the exercise classes we didn't get to take together after I joined her gym so we could. Reminded me of the walks we were going to take together the past few weeks, but we just didn't manage to synchronize our schedules to do it. Reminded me of the sunsets I'll never get to enjoy with her speedwalking beside me along Bayshore.

Reminded me of all the other projects I've started and left dangling, and I still have time to do something about.

Seems like I'm always doing things in memoriam.

I look forward to the day I just do them, in futuriam.

Escaping the Mind-Storms...Gonna Stop That Emo-eating Right Now

I was reading an article by behavioural psychology expert Dean Anderson today, and once again was totally perplexed by this guy-- I don't care how many times I change the password, or what difficulty level I set it to, he always seems to find a way to hack into my journal and see exactly what I'm going through. Then, by golly, he makes it the topic of his next article, without fail!

Today it was about emotional eating-- go figure. He claims it is the single most common problem those of us who are calorically-challenged (I personally am bipolar: calorically- and kinetically-challenged, alternately and sometimes simultaneously), and furthermore if we are to enjoy any success at this, we're all going to have to get our act together and learn to deal-- tell me more, Dean, I'm listening.

Well, he goes on to put his money where his keyboard is. Pretty basic stuff-- we dieting geniuses have heard it all before: Keep a food journal to help identify emo-eating triggers, create a healthy mental environment by practicing prayer, medititation, body-mind control exercising, focusing and my favorite, getting massages. Then there is always turning to message boards and friends for support. THEN... he casually tosses out the phrase "Developing good problem solving skills."

Really, Dean? Okay, I'll just run right out and do that...why didn't I think of that before? I'll hop on down to the corner Goodproblemsolvingskills-R-Us store, and pick up two boxes of that stuff. But before the harshly cynical little imp in me could get really wound up, I discovered he actually had some very good tips for working on this deficiency in my make-up, which I am now looking forward to implementing, with great hope, dare I add.

He is promoting this 3-minute solution, which is fabulously attractive to me. I seldom have the attention span of more than three minutes to solve my major psychological problems. The first obstacle I encountered was, it took more than three minutes to read what I should put into action within three minutes in order to derail emo-eating. So this is going to take some effort on my part, I'm thinking. Huh. Alright, well let me go over this again to break it down for myself, in easily digestible brain-bytes.

He advocates during the first critical response minute following the overwhelming urge to give into emo-eating, to focus upon staying grounded. We eat emotionally when we lose connection to our grounded selves. So, basically, force oneself into mental slow-mo at the onset. I was really impressed with how he broke it down. I had never taken time to go beneath the level of recognizing I was eating due to stress. My solution up until now has been, well, get rid of stress. But some stress is necessary in order for change to be taking place. I cannot paraphrase it better than he did:

"Nine times out of ten, what really leads to emotional eating is getting caught in a "mind storm" of worst-case scenarios, projections, misinterpretations, and all the emotional overreactions that come with these thoughts. This "storm" turns a manageable challenge into something that makes you feel helpless, overwhelmed, ashamed or afraid—and sends you to the kitchen to find something to stuff those extreme feelings. When you can stay grounded in the moment of stress, you have many more options."

He goes on to prescribe some actions: take a few deep breaths--a quick mental time-out-- look around and physically ground yourself by taking in the objects around you and acknowledging to yourself where you are, and last, identify exactly what physical sensations you are experiencing. I suppose the purpose in that would be to journal them, and after repetition, it would become second nature to recognize yourself going into this mode so that you can launch the counter-offensive. What a lot of trouble just to conquer a little life-long addiction, right?

That was supposed to have used up no more than about a minute. The second minute, after calm has been restored, he suggests performing a reality check. A check-up from the neck-up, I like to say. What thoughts are going through my head and do they help right now? Am I engaging in all-or-nothing thinking? Stop it. Better not over-indulge now, then I have less to make up for later. Am I over-reacting to someone's non-supportive-- oh, let's just say critical-- remark? I know I'm alright, whether they acknowledge it or not...or is it me being overly critical of myself? Stop it. I love me just as I am right now, I'll just love the good choices I've made that lead me to a healthy mind and body even more when I reach my goal. And last but not least, am I stressing because what I'm about to do is get all up into someone else's business? STOP IT. I never learned anything when someone in my past stepped in to "save" me...except where to go next time I needed an easy mark. I learned by working through my own problems, one day at a time. What makes me think other people are any different? Or am I trying to involve myself in their life to avoid working on the real problem...me?

Now I'm sliding into that final minute of learning to cope with emo-eating. So I've stopped the blow-up, done some self-analysis. Now it's time for application of principles I've learned work. I can do that after I've really put this situation to bed, and again I love the questions he suggests I ask myself:

1. How big a deal is this, anyway? If I knew I was going to die in a week, would this be something I would want to spend this minute of my remaining time on?
2. Will any bad things happen if I postpone thinking about this until I have more time to figure things out?
3. Do I have all the information I need to decide how to respond to this? Do I really know what’s going on here, or am I making assumptions? Am I worrying about things that might not even happen? What do I need to check out before taking action?
4. Is there anything I can do right now that will change or help this situation?
5. Am I trying to control something I can't, like what other people think, say, or do?
6. Have I really thought through this problem, and broken it down into manageable pieces I can handle one-at-a-time?

I am going to read over and over this and try to remember to apply it the very next time an opportunity to avoid emo-eating arises. But I know that nightly I am faced with my personal most difficult time, and that is when I sit to watch TV after I've finished everything else. It's as if I sit down, and there is something in the cushion of my chair that injects my butt every 30 minutes with some invisible propelling agent which shoots me out of the chair, through the hall, across the front-room into the kitchen. I've put counter-attack measures in place that result in, once my body finds itself in front of the fridge and the hand attached to the arm has opened the door, there is really nothing I could abuse myself with... oh, okay, if I wanted to consume giant spoonfuls of mayonnaise mixed with dried tomatoes and refrigerated pie dough, but, come on, you can only do that so many times.

I generally return now to the chair with a bowlful of baby carrots or raw mushrooms or a half cup of non-fat cottage cheese. But that is not the issue. The issue is the habit. It must go. Must I restrict myself from TV altogether until this is whipped? Must I return to enforcing the rule, I don't eat unless I am sitting down in an appropriate eating location, like the dining room? Well, slipping back into half-measures have availed me nought. It is time to bring out the big guns and go commando on my addiction's butt.

Maybe I could talk Coach Dean into articalizing on that topic. No...wait! I've written it in my journal. The hacker minions he has assigned to my life will no doubt report back, and it is already fait accompli.

Becoming Princess Phatso, One Year at a Time...or, I can start my year over anytime I wish

...and I wish it to be right now.

If an advanced degree could be awarded in starting over, or if they had a Bounce-back B.A., I'd have so many skins on my wall, it would bleat at nighttime.

Actually I am not starting over so much as I am tightening up, because since I began my weightloss efforts in earnest last October, I have never truly let go. I did think I'd be at goal within the year, but apparently that is not to be the case...this year. The thing I am most pleased about is how I am unable to abuse myself with food to the extent I once was. I am definitely a progressionist over perfectionist, so I'm going with that as a positive accomplishment. And I have managed to keep 51 of the 62 pounds I lost, off.

I am more returning to the spin cycle of my life laundry... it is time for once again devoting the extreme attention to wringing out the last 50 or so pounds of my journey. I have paused halfway for way too long, and enjoyed the progress I've made too much, as opposed to getting on with it so I can enjoy the complete triumph.

I have always enjoyed Tom Venuto's blog-- what an intense, driven, honest, gut-level, caring and giving guy he is! I have read him for about three years now and I think he and the work he has done and what he has given back to people at large is just phenomenal. I am not into eating the amount or kinds of protein he mainly advocates, but I am not saying it's not healthy...and different things work for different folks. He is great on bodybuilding and recovering one's physical health. He had a powerful motivation strategy I'm adopting right now... I always knew it worked. Being reminded of it is just one of the primary examples of how and why we ought to continually keep ourselves in front of some sort of audience to provide enough external motivation for us to keep on keeping on. Because not one of us--- no, not one--- has sufficient, continual internal motivation to do what we need to do in order to keep the heat turned up on achieving difficult goals, and they are ALL difficult. So, as Tom reminded me, if you don't have an external motivation, create one.

My new goal is to have lost fifty pounds by December the 1st, this year. 90 days. Yep, I'm doing a 90-day transformation. Stick around to either have your betting against me doing it validated, or to cheer me on despite all odds. I'll take both as motivation! I'll post a link to my fitday log at the bottom of the blog, and a new goal counter so you can see where I'm at... oh, and I'll take before and after pics, but not in a swimsuit with my gut trying to escape down to my knees, oh, hell no!

And I'll actually share some of my real dreams I'd like to make happen after I get what's left of my body back. Hope to be getting feedback soon. And thank you all for coming...it's been a lovely post.

OMG I cannot Believe...

...this is the first post since mid-April.... where did I go in my head? How could I just ignore myself and my own goals for that long?

Well, it happened. I think I tried to return for a while to a life I was loath to leave. I think I could not believe that I truly had a problem with food... I had just become overweight for nineteen years...those just slipped away too.

I am finishing working on my body, and then I'll work on whatever other changes I need to make in my life. I am ultrasimplifying myself, that is, write my daily notes and follow them, but keep it simple, and don't overplan. I have one giant goal to reach, and that is to continue to drop the extra weight and toxins until I feel right... I'm not even going to tell myself a particular weight or size anymore, I'll just know when I get there. And as far as exercise, I'm a member of a lovely athletic club, and I live within four miles of one of the places I go for business, and I intend to walk everywhere whenever possible. Which will have the added benefit, along with contributing to my physical health, of reducing my carbon footprint in the world... something I do care about greatly.

So if anyone thinks they can return to any old behaviour in the middle of recovering one's life and health, and continue to be successful, I'm here to vote no. And if you have food issues-- anorexia-bulimia-overeating-comfort-eating- think you can do very at controlling it for awhile and then it went away, I'd say I disagree. And if you've been successful at weightloss and you think surely I would never gain the weight back again after I've lost it and seen how much better life can be, I'd advise you to, no matter how insane that would be, think again.

One thing I've learned, if it's possible for one of us to do these things, it's possible for any one of us to do that... I did.

Time Doesn't Wait for Me... or musings upon how much weight I could have lost the past seven weeks if I'd been present in my life

...it keeps on going. Time. Just walks on past whether you notice or not.

I've been a lousy blogger, a mediocre wife, a less-than-sterling mother, and fairly non-participatory in my own thoughts the past seven weeks. How did that happen? Guess I just got too caught up in chasing a buck or two and the issues of others, and a new business project I am hoping will bear some fruit... and speaking of fruit, I'm back on the cart. Betcha didn't even know I'd been dragging my toe in the dirt, didja?

Perhaps after I hit Onederland (that's when your numerical weight reaches the centennial range) I went a little stir crazy, got a touch of carbo fever, I dunno... thought I'd play around with, hmmmm, how is it going to feel on maintenance once I get there in another 40-50 pounds? Wonder if that happens to everyone... I'd love a poll from any of you weight-release addicts out there. I've read others having a similar reaction at various watershed moments in their weightloss journeys... so I'm not alone I'm pretty sure. But I'm certainly glad to be back in the saddle and riding out of this Valley of the Wasteland of Entropy.

Luckily I did no real damage to what I'd accomplished, with the help of my wonderful online support group and several wonderful ladies who email and call me and encourage me regularly. And I am prepared for the second half of the onslaught. ... the chocolate's lovely, dark, and sweet, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I eat... with apologies to the late Mr. Frost.

How Did I Not Love Me? Let me count the ways...

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep...

~~Robert Frost

Reading Lynn Bering's Weightloss Blog...she puts it exactly how I feel/felt/found, and I'm going to paraphrase her:

"I’ve done this before, this little dance of denial, and I’ve always gotten back on course. But when I’m in the midst of stress and that irrational voice tells me I’ll find comfort in [a bite of c*******, a spoonful of rice, a few c**** or some evil salt], it’s hard to hear that rational voice that says, 'STOP! Go meditate, walk, brush your teeth, chew gum, eat a Tic Tac…something other than eat that which you did not PLAN.' I’m one of the most stubborn people I know and still I have a hard time telling myself “no” when I need to hear it most of all. I get there eventually, but not without sincere self-discipline, sitting myself down and asking myself what’s really wrong, what’s causing me to eat instead of cope."

I figure today the scale will be up...I'll go check later this morning when I can get to the gym... but I know I can feel it in my stomach. It's the last place it comes off, and the first to go back on. Anyway, I woke up at 3am, after going to bed about 11:30, and could not get back to sleep...too much on my mind...and I knew I had to have a long talk with myself and jerk myself back into reality again. I knew I had to commit to re-commitment and quit beating myself up about having to constantly re-commit. I mean, isn't that just life? I knew I had to quit waiting for someone to call me on the phone and shock me back to my senses. To quit using backpain as an excuse for not sitting down in front of the computer after I'm done working and getting to the forum more and revealing myself to my support group. I knew I had to get up and just return to all the things I've done for months which have carried me this far... to fitday-ing everything so I can see what I’ve eaten in print, and share it with others. I knew I had to pull myself back in, hand over hand, to my lifeline to shore, my peeps on the forum where I post with other women trying to lose large amounts of weight eating healthily, and mainly raw vegan.

No more being seduced by the seemingly innocent woods, no more temptation to just rest for awhile, to quit pressing forward... if I give in, I run the very real risk of being covered by my blanket of denial, and slowly, slowly slipping into caloric unconsciousness, then death. No more denial. I committed again to choosing to listen to the re-programmed Skinny Brain, and not to Little Voice, whom I've discussed before in this blog. I’ll get up, get out, and walk, even if it is the third time in a day...this means keeping my athletic shoes on, all the time! Or I'll tackle one of several projects I've thought up to help get my asthmatic mortgage business revived. It worked for me, maybe it will breathe life back into it!

It feels good to at least feel back in control. It feels good to have made some decisions about what I plan to do with the rest of my life--- well, for this week anyway. I’ll knock whatever I gained back off in no time, probably on the Five-Day All-raw Cruise. And I feel safe and hopeful again, because I know I’m doing all I can to stop those pounds from inviting their friends for a party inside my skin... I'm the ONLY one who'll be doing that! Before I'm done, surely, I'll be more seductive than some old snow-laden grove of trees.

Are there Fireworks in Heaven? and other Random Thoughts from tonight's walk

Not every day raw is marked by profound revelations or progressions. Some days are just...days. It doesn't prevent me from wanting to fulfill my commitment to myself to blog more this year. Some of my favorites started out as a collection of musings and ended up having a point, after a fashion. This post will probably fall into that category.

When I ate mainly cooked food, I noticed I was usually starving in the morning or at least thought I was. Believing that I needed to eat was so strong, that I have no remembrance of actually feeling hungry, for, oh, I don't know how long. When I started eating raw, I started noticing that when I get up, my first thoughts are not of food. All of us BREAK fast at different times... and I continue to lose weight and get healthier and healthier, and upon occasion am not truly hungry until noon, or even early afternoon! Also the longer I eat raw definitely is having an impact upon my becoming increasingly attuned to my body and learning from it. When I was eating all cooked food and low-nutrient/high-fat/high sugar food, I seemed to be totally out of touch with my body.

Yesterday I let the day get away from me before getting to the gym to exercise before it closed, and it was chilly and rainy all day, and my precious baywalk was closed for this year's Gasparilla Extravaganza Children's Parade. So tonight I was especially determined to get outside to walk. I get down to the seawall, and it turns out they had closed Bayshore Drive again from Patriot's Corner where I usually stow my car while I do my run, northward, so I head south to my old starting point, El Prado. I begin a walk south towards Ballast Point, 3.6 miles roundtrip. The concrete walk along the seawall narrows toward the end of Bayshore, continuing alongside brick-paved streets gently winding to mimic the unseen curve of the shore just the other side of the townhomes on the east, ending up at Ballast Point Park.

As is always true after missing a day of exercise for any reason, I spend the first five minutes allowing Fat Brain and Skinny Brain to duke it out about who is driving Body, and whether or not we're going to "turn this body around and take it right home!"...Skinny Brain, as always, wins, even though Fat Brain had Faceskin and Fingers on his side, and Shrinking Torso was undecided. Then I start opening my mind to various and sundry thoughts to see what would come, and this is what I ended up with tonight:

• I'm so glad I have all my extremities still with me to be able to feel anything, including cold. No matter how I might feel about war as a philosophy or in general, God bless you, co-citizens of this country, who have ended up losing any part of your body in the line of militaristic duty to which you felt called or honor-bound to perform you believed to be in the pursuit of freedom for your countrymen and countrywomen.


• Pushing myself to complete the daily efforts to reach my goals is part of it... it never stops and I can never quit, unless I want to stop trying to reach goals.


• After the first five or ten minutes, it's a moot point anyway--- I'm going to finish at that point.


• Even if you're half-frozen, always take time to stop for a surprise fireworks exhibition...you never know if it will be the last one you ever see.


• I've never seen fireworks dropped by planes flying in tandem before! The Red Baron Squadron's aerobatic performance was an amazing sight, especially the sparkly contrails...but watching them caused a tension within which detracts a bit from my unabashed enjoyment, because they fly too close to each other and I'm afraid of some tragic occurrence...


• Are there fireworks in Heaven continuously? That's probably thinking too small...from what I've been told....I love fireworks.
• Why does watching fireworks make you want to drink alcoholic beverages and light up a cigar and swing your hips around in hulahoop fashion and cry WooHOOO! Or is that just me?


• Why are most of the shooting sparkles the colors of Christmas? Does magenta and hot pink and chartreuse cost more? Are our city coffers a bit constrained--like my own--- in the fireworks-display budget right now?


• It is marginally more fun to watch fireworks displays--- especially when I'm experiencing physical discomfort--- with someone than without...but it's alright alone, too. Alone in a crowd.


• It's tremendously cold for the Floridian species...47 degrees windchill back at the house, probably colder down here at the bay.


• My tailbone hurts, perched on one of the concrete seats curving bayside at intervals along the seawall, and my hands form cloth-clad stumps inside the ends of each sleeve and are plunged inside the pouch at the front of my red and black hoodie. But if I leave now, I won't get to see the big finale...they always have a big finale... it is a battle of will to stick it out, especially as others begin to give up and move off towards the assured warmth of their respective rides or homes.


• I want to see the big finale.

The evening walk ends up being a metaphor of my weightloss experience-- I tend to turn everything into a metaphor of my weightloss experience--- but it really was: if I can endure the momentary discomfort, I'll get to experience the pleasure of the Big Finale! And after I started to walk on to my car, after the big, wonderful, unusually explosive ending, a minute or so elapsed, and they had one more encore! Which I related in my mind to maintenance... more reward for continued effort.

Sitting in queue at the railroad tracks, it occurred to me the day ended up being a feast for the senses...face-deadening, finger-stiffening cold, startlingly awesome pyrotechnic display, delicious new fruit to taste, the sound of fireworks exploding, both shooting up and being dropped from planes into the night skies, the loud blare of the locomotive I had to wait for on the way home, the heater air slowly warming my toes, while the cold air above kept my nose and cheeks numb... of all the days there've ever been, this certainly has been one!

So, I'm thinking, I can't wait to see what kind of days this journey will bring me in the months ahead, and I want to stay...until the end, and beyond!

All I Gotta Do

My Fat Brain got some bad news in the last few days. A growing awareness in Thinbrain has led to the conclusion that the beatings will continue...the exercise will be increased in frequency, duration and intensity. This year is all about simplification, honesty, accountability, cleaning up and cleaning out. I am continuing to intensify my walking, and now running, exercise by now doing it twice a day, once easy, once a little more intense. Now I am also thinking about adding in extra toning and strengthening exercises. The focus is: I don't have time to play around with the weightloss... GET THESE TOXINS OUT NOW.

I've been paying more and more attention to the ladies I'm in contact with who have lost a lot of weight and kept it off successfully. I've also begun to research the subject, because me dealing with it this year is a reality, and I need to begin to prepare. The general consensus is, the more you lose, the more you have to exercise in order to lose more! Because there is less mass to burn the calories than there was before, and even if you strengthen and build muscle mass to replace and burn calories more efficiently, its very efficiency cannot make up for the volume that was formerly inside the body maintaining itself. The White Queen would no doubt tell me I've been living in a slow sort of country, because now, it takes all the running I can do, to keep in the same place. If I want to get somewhere else, I "must run at least twice as fast as that!"

In sales, you set goals and then you set quotas. You set the goal far out, and then you break down time in between now and when you want to reach the goal into quantifiable quotas which will accumulate over regular intervals during the given period of time to yield the goal amount.

I have a goal of 126. I know when I want to be there. I have now gone back and set weekly quotas for toxins to be released, which will result in reaching the goal when I initially planned. In order to effect that release, my intake of calories, which must remain fairly constant within a range of 1000-1200 calories, is less manipulable than the exercise. The amount of exercise I must do in order to work within the range of calories, given the projected weight my body will be on any given week, is therefore identifiable, quantifiable, and DO-ABLE! I have to burn a certain amount of calories, and there are fairly static basal rates for a given weight, and there are set calories expended by various types of exercise with relation to intensity and duration, and that is identifiable...ALL I HAVE TO DO IS STICK WITH THE PLAN AND MY GOAL IS A FOREGONE CONCLUSION!!!! You don't know how much comfort that gives me.

Now... I just have to WANT to stick with the plan hour by hour, day by day, week by week, for the next 22 weeks! That's all I have to do, and I will have completed the first step in restoring That Seventies Body to mois....in becoming Princess PHATso...and then the next tough part begins, but for now, all I have to keep my eyes on is doing my exercise and eating my fruit and veggies for today, so I can meet this next week's quota! I'm on my way!!! 22 MORE WEEKS!!! Two fiscal quarters! A pittance! A snippet of time!!!

What I Learned at Raw Food Boot Camp

All ten of us who read this blog may have noticed my absence the past, oh, let's just call it six weeks and be done.

Well, my goal was certainly to blog more often, and one of my new year's resolutions was to blog nearly daily, but a funny thing happens on the way to the resolution forum every year. I start early in late November-- to get the jump on the rest of the hoi polloi, you see-- but I suspect I have a hidden agenda about that, as well. I believe that the part of my brain (Fat Brain) where Little Voice dwells, lurking behind some algae-covered synapse, has subscribed to the RSS-feed--- I'm not exactly even sure what that is but I know it has something to do with instant notification of updated information--- of the other side of my brain (the side where Glenda the Good Witch stays when she comes to visit), and goes into overdrive to immediately counter-attack any planned positive changes. Therefore, the jumpstart on new year's resolutions serves as a counter-counter response to any insurgency on the part of Fat Brain, which results in said resolutions actually taking effect about...the first week or two of January, same as everybody else.

Then there is the whole maddening December thing my head goes on a tirade about, on any given year, ever since I lost both my parents and a favored dachshund during that season several years back. A few Decembers since 2000, I have absolutely had all I could do to function for the entire month. Much less make the journey, alone, into that head of mine, a necessary evil of the blogging process. And this year, I also had to deal with the contemplation of the end of a career path, continuing the raw food path, etc, etc, waaaah-waaaah, ad nauseum... there are my excuses, and I'm sticking to it!

Now we've got that out of the way, I had taken some time to reflect upon what the Raw Food Boot Camp experience had done for me after it ended November 21st, besides help me lose about 28 pounds. Fortunately, dear reader, I made a few notes and saved them in a text file for future reference for when I wrote my report, What I have learned as a Result of Boot Camp.

Three major things come to mind: getting back "in touch" with ME; uncovering and tackling some inner "work" that needed doing I didnt' know was there; and how to open up lines of communication with my husband, the benefit to the latter of which being re-evaluated on a daily basis. The biggest thing I took away was the realization it can be done, and it can be done by me. I had pretty much given up on getting below the number on the scales the ginormous amount of weight I managed to accumulate inside my skin afforded me. But I proved to myself I was about to give up right before the change. Now, I know it is possible. Now, I know that I can lose the weight--- it takes determination and sticking to the plan but I can do it. I am starting to see the old me, that I imagine I was at some point whether that has any bearing upon the actual truth or not, start to shine through. Now I am taking the excitement of knowing there is something that absolutely does work and converting it to action to shed the pounds! I really am so thankful for this experience!

I have also learned to incorporate exercise and keep it a priority in my life, because I have come to believe and admit that exercise is key to any successful weightloss program, and to keeping it off once you've lost it... and that harder isn't always the best if its the pounds you're really looking to lose. I've learned that I really can set goals and follow through. I've also learned that exercise is good and can elevate my mood more than ice cream ever could, or, as Dr. Stephen Gullo says, exercise keeps my moods out of my foods. I've also learned that all fruit is the best, most efficient way to lose weight, for me, for right now-- fruit always tastes delicious, it's portable, it delivers live nutrients at a moment's notice, it's beautiful to behold and it fills me up..... physically and emotionally.

Oh, a couple more aphorisms... after enduring a particularly difficult December:

It is better to be thinner and miserable, than fat and miserable.

There is no value high enough to be placed upon friends, cyber and flesh alike, who help you keep an attitude of gratitude....SPEAKING OF WHICH, please be good to yourself today and visit an AMAZING SITE that belongs to my new cyber-friend, Christy Murphy. She has tapped into something that is one of the major cures for depression, and has almost become a lost art in our society today...expressing thanks.

And if you are reading this, thank you.