Thursday, March 11, 2010

Who Put This Here?

I stumbled onto my own blog by accident.

I was checking my LinkedIn updates, on a lark, and happened to notice a link on my profile entitled, My Blog, and there was a hyperlink attached to it. Blog? I thought to myself, do I have a blog? And I clicked it on a whim, and was spun into this alternate universe which is apparently of my own creation, so here I am.

Evidently, I have not had much to blog about in six months. Apparently I did not have much the entirety of 2009, as there seems to only be six posts for the entire year. In fact, noting the number of posts per year beginning with the blog's inception in '07, one can see a pattern emerging. This is a person who has less and less to say about most things, or has too much to say about fewer things. Or perhaps it is that so many things were happening she did not feel led to share. Yeah...that was it.

This has been the most financially and emotionally challenging six months there ever was, this past six months. Let's review: in 2009, I lost my license--won't go into that right now-- all but lost my business, began working for crooked attorneys who ended up not paying me--the hubster was downsized in July and after months of unsuccessful job-seeking in his rather esoteric field, gave up and went back to college, so now we live on student loans and unemployment--may lose the old homestead if I don't find a W2 j-o-b rather soon--lost friends from being unavailable--lost transportation (transmission, kerplunk, savings account, kerplunker)--lost the chance to use my prepaid ticket to see my son graduate from Army Ranger school when his graduation got set back three weeks--lost a cat--lost the economy--lost the government--lost Michael Jackson--lost Monk--it was a year of big losses...but the worst loss came in late December, when for one week, I lost the ability to dream.

It was a black, black week. I only remember it as a blur now, a mere two and a half months later.

2010 started off on the same successful losing streak...funds did not arrive in time to prevent losing, for the first time since we had it turned on in 1996, internet access...but strangely it turned out to be the best thing that had happened since torn challah. I had barely begun recovery from my journey to the center of the existential void when it happened, that fateful day, January 20, 2010. I am convinced it was Divine intervention. By God's grace alone, no one had to be looking down upon my inert form, wondering what happened here?

I was blessed with a sort of total internet, no cable, no car, no work obligations... I felt like a monk on retreat from the world. First, I slept. Then I cleaned. Then, I shaved the dog. At last, Forced to turn completely inward, I looked around and discovered there were shelves and shelves from floor to ceiling of dusty, disarranged books, in two different rooms in my house...who knew? And, about a mile up the road, within walking distance, something they call a public library with more books, and internet (I still fear internet), and DVDs of a slightly less commercial nature...again, when did they put that there?

My book shelves are all neatly arranged and categorized now. I have discovered the joys of DVDs in Spanish, Korean, Czech, Japanese, and Farsi...I am just starting to make new plans for further recovery of my body and soul, and have secured the means to replace the transmission in my dear, old Miata, thereby enabling me to actively seek the j-o-b, whereby I may avoid having to vacate the premises I've been paying for the last ten years. I hope.

Which reminds me...I found hope again! I read a story this week, which had to do with a young Hebrew man who went to seek his fortune in a far-off land, where he had heard he could find diamonds. He spent years abroad, and all his resources, looking for those diamonds, to no avail. Finally, beaten and utterly defeated, he returned home with his last bit of will. He arrived at his old house, heartbroken and exhausted, and the next day, went out in his backyard to bury something...I don't remember what, I'm just winging this, stick with me...and as he was digging, he turned up...yep, you know it.

So seems that when we think we have to go far away to find riches, they are often right here, inside, the whole time. Or at least, maybe I'll go check in the back yard. It could happen.
Oh, and since I didn't get to tell you~~ Merry Christmas!
May we all be blessed with a sweeter year.

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