Validation and A Pity-Pot That Will Leave a Mark

Apparently up until about a week ago, I had been utilizing a pitypot built for my convenience, since I had been spending so much time on it. First of all I was stressed because I had an extra marketing project to get done, working in an arena in which I hadn't been for several years. Then I was pissed when they removed it from me after a week. Then I got stressed about jumping back into, complete immersion as it were, my own business I've had for the past seven years, and taking complete responsibility for making it work. I haven't lost all hope, but I am very concerned about finances. As they say, have said, and most likely forever will say, Things right now are tough all over. My industry is particularly cut-throat-- that is disheartening in itself-- and at this point there are so many of us who were accustomed to making a good living and have had to learn to w-w-w-w-o-o-o-o-o-r-r-r-rkkk harder for it, that when you finally get a good prospect, it is tantamount to throwing a bone into a pack of starving Dobermans.

So I'd been struggling within myself all week to stay off that PityPot, when I got an uplifting comment from a drive-by encourager the other day on my Sparkpage, that reminded me even when life gets crazy, how GOOD it feels to at least be in control of one thing, and for me, right now, that's being on track with food and exercise. It refocused me on the things I can absolutely control...how much time I spend working in my business productively (as opposed to just working at it) and how much time I spend planning and executing a healthy lifestyle. Then I got another email right after that about a video on YouTube called Validation. If I could figure out how to embed it, you could see it right here, but you'll just have to click the name and link over to it! Validation is a short narrative "fable" about the magic of free parking., starring TJ Thyne (from Bones) & Vicki Davis, by Writer/Director/Composer Kurt Kuenne, and well worth the 16+ minutes you'll spend to view it. Seeing it, really lifted my spirits, and I resolved to spend more time and energy on trying to make life easier for other people.

I set about acquiring and implementing some new marketing tools. I'm designing a new campaign, and began getting back in touch with previous clients. I got back to eating and exercise-walking consciously through planning. I joined a couple of walking groups, the Clearwater Recreational Walkers and Friends, Fitness & Fun, which have interesting outings, and imported the planned walks and hikes into my calendar. I began calling and checking on people I had not heard from in a while. I renewed a habit I had begun years ago of always acknowledging aloud that special something you can see in every human being you meet-- thanks Kurt Kuenne, for reminding me! I, in essence, began validating my own life again by simply infusing it with positive, productive energy and remembering the importance of others in it. By crikies, after only a week of trying out that "new" plan, I feel about a thousand percent better!

Oh, and I did away with the more enticing pity-pot, and installed one with a STUDDED SEAT.

The Princess Comes Full Circle

Wow... time has flown...NOT. This year has felt like a decade. Ups and downs and spirals. But I guess that is pretty much how most people have felt recently.

On Tuesday I am planning to get up early, go down to my polling place, Palma Ceia Baptist Church, cast my votes, and promptly go on my 2008-campaign- and TV-fast for the rest of the day, whereby any visual clue of anything remotely related to Campaign '08 will be met with a turned head, the hand, and if audio is involved, possibly the lalalalalalalalala-I-can't-hear-you treatment. I will place myself in a controlled environment where my senses do not have to be assaulted by political pollution, where I am in control of the sounds wafting to my ears, and will remain out of touch with news of the outside world for at least 24 hours. I will go into my happy place and wait until the shouting and screaming is all over. I will wake up the next day and discover in what manner the American people have chosen to be screwed the next four years, and then I will go shopping for the appropriate lubricant, and carry on.

That being said today is the official re-launch of my detoxifying plan for my body and mind. I've already begun, nay, I've never completely abandoned the plan I began last October. I was able to shed 62 pounds of toxins by the end of February this year, and felt and looked pretty darn good. Alas, I've allowed several pounds of toxins to re-enter my temple, and now they must be summarily dealt with, in addition to several other toxic closets which need removal.

I know what works, and there are so many good places to go and find support for basic healthy living whether you want to shed weight or not...I just discovered Doug Kaufmann, with his highly informative experts like Tullio Simoncini, M.D. (a good doctor) and Suzy Cohen, a pharmacist who thinks 'outside the pill,' and believes though prescribed medicine is needed at times, natural solutions exist and are often safer than drugs. Doug's site is fabulous, with videos, and articles and fascinating discoveries about the link between cancer and fungi. He offers detailed advice about how starving fungus would reverse the symptoms that contribute to so many health problems we Americans suffer from! And of course I continually find great info on Dr. Mercola's website--- I use his sublingual vit-D spray and am looking forward to getting the Krill oil. All of these resources fall right in line with what I'd discovered about sticking with mainly raw fruits and veggies, alkalinizing my body as much as possible--- that meant cutting out acid-producing foods -- not necessarily acidic foods!--- which would mean eschewing meat and dairy, and not turning to substitutes which could cause as many problems, like processed soy products. Easy on the good fats, too, even EVOO, walnuts, almonds, and I have read grave warnings from many sources about avoiding things grown IN the dirt that have a high degree of contamination, like peanuts and mushrooms and corn. Basically I eliminated the FIVE EVIL WHITES (at least for the initial detoxifying stage)-- flour, sugar, salt, dairy, and meat-- oh but all meat is not white, you say, to which I reply, it is all permeated to some degree or another with white fat. When I'm red hot and rollin' on this hot tamale train of a program, I will treat myself with raw wild salmon from time to time and fermented juice of the vine.

Okay, I didn't just shed the weight that way, I also began walking every day at least one hour, and although to say I was faithful every day would be a lie, for five months I never went longer than one day in between without walking-- and sometimes adding toning exercises. And I stayed in touch with others who had similar goals, which I shall do again this time. I have a very special friend, who is my JEWEL, who has shed more than 80 pounds of toxins and kept it off for a few years now. She is my mentor and my coach for the rest of this journey, and has been a rock for me throughout. I've also had the support of several dear friends and family members, and I am so blessed and grateful to be able to count on them as well.

So with no further ado, it is time for me to finish my alkalinized water (I also love to use the Super Green powders from time to time), don my running shoes, and get the bod down to the bay for a wonderful walk in this delightful crisp fall weather. I've come full circle from a year ago, but I'm a few levels up on the spiral, and I can see light above.

How Did I Not Love Me? Let me count the ways...

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep...

~~Robert Frost

Reading Lynn Bering's Weightloss Blog...she puts it exactly how I feel/felt/found, and I'm going to paraphrase her:

"I’ve done this before, this little dance of denial, and I’ve always gotten back on course. But when I’m in the midst of stress and that irrational voice tells me I’ll find comfort in [a bite of c*******, a spoonful of rice, a few c**** or some evil salt], it’s hard to hear that rational voice that says, 'STOP! Go meditate, walk, brush your teeth, chew gum, eat a Tic Tac…something other than eat that which you did not PLAN.' I’m one of the most stubborn people I know and still I have a hard time telling myself “no” when I need to hear it most of all. I get there eventually, but not without sincere self-discipline, sitting myself down and asking myself what’s really wrong, what’s causing me to eat instead of cope."

I figure today the scale will be up...I'll go check later this morning when I can get to the gym... but I know I can feel it in my stomach. It's the last place it comes off, and the first to go back on. Anyway, I woke up at 3am, after going to bed about 11:30, and could not get back to sleep...too much on my mind...and I knew I had to have a long talk with myself and jerk myself back into reality again. I knew I had to commit to re-commitment and quit beating myself up about having to constantly re-commit. I mean, isn't that just life? I knew I had to quit waiting for someone to call me on the phone and shock me back to my senses. To quit using backpain as an excuse for not sitting down in front of the computer after I'm done working and getting to the forum more and revealing myself to my support group. I knew I had to get up and just return to all the things I've done for months which have carried me this far... to fitday-ing everything so I can see what I’ve eaten in print, and share it with others. I knew I had to pull myself back in, hand over hand, to my lifeline to shore, my peeps on the forum where I post with other women trying to lose large amounts of weight eating healthily, and mainly raw vegan.

No more being seduced by the seemingly innocent woods, no more temptation to just rest for awhile, to quit pressing forward... if I give in, I run the very real risk of being covered by my blanket of denial, and slowly, slowly slipping into caloric unconsciousness, then death. No more denial. I committed again to choosing to listen to the re-programmed Skinny Brain, and not to Little Voice, whom I've discussed before in this blog. I’ll get up, get out, and walk, even if it is the third time in a day...this means keeping my athletic shoes on, all the time! Or I'll tackle one of several projects I've thought up to help get my asthmatic mortgage business revived. It worked for me, maybe it will breathe life back into it!

It feels good to at least feel back in control. It feels good to have made some decisions about what I plan to do with the rest of my life--- well, for this week anyway. I’ll knock whatever I gained back off in no time, probably on the Five-Day All-raw Cruise. And I feel safe and hopeful again, because I know I’m doing all I can to stop those pounds from inviting their friends for a party inside my skin... I'm the ONLY one who'll be doing that! Before I'm done, surely, I'll be more seductive than some old snow-laden grove of trees.

Fear of Feasting Alleviated by Veggie Porn

"And although it be not always so plentifull, as it was at this time with us, yet by the goodness of God,

we are so farre from want, that we often wish you partakers of our plentie."

---Edward Winslow writing in Mourt's Relation,

one of only two primary sources for the events of autumn 1621 in Plymouth, MA

We were planning to go to The Pub Waterfront Restaurant, over in Indian Shores, for Thanksgiving dinner...I really did not relish the thought of the whole two-day food-prep rigamarole, for food I wasn't going to eat, anyway. I discovered while either reading Creative Loafing or *tbt that they were serving TD traditional roast turkey with all the trimmings. Knowing that Ossie is all about tradition-- we've had the same things at Thanksgiving Dinner for twenty years, an amalgamation of what my mother (and her mother) made and what his mother made, with a few creations of my own added over time-- I thought, what a wonderful way to preserve my rawtiety and not make the family suffer unduly! With the added bonusii of being waited on, no cleanup, and the certain appropriateness of traveling to a place called Indian Shores on Thanksgiving, I excitedly called for reservations.

Despite all that, we made some last-minute changes to TD dinner plans when Ossie returned from Boston this week. Maybe it was something about being closer to the area the actual first Thanksgiving took place, I don't know. But when he returned, his resolve to go out for TD had waned, and after very little discussion, I agreed. We are going to stay home and cook, again, but a streamlined version of all the other years. Ossie is going to help prepare. He is actually an excellent cook and enjoys it, so we are dividing the duties. I'll handle the veggies, he'll handle the meat, and we'll come together on the dressing. There was some momentary angst, when discussing just purchasing a turkey breast for the whitemeat lover, and a leg for the darkmeat lover (alas, the poor turkey, he loved all of his meat!), and Ossie worried about not having giblets for the gravy or dressing. I reminded him that, he hated giblets, and so did my son, and the only person who ever gobbled them down was...mois. This cheered him up greatly, and the modified plans are in place and widely accepted. They make more sense for everyone, now that I have gotten over my fear of cooking.

It wasn't as if I bothered to make pies for a long time, anyway. Grocery store bakeries do such a good job, more cheaply. Traditional pies at TD never were a huge draw for me... I only suffer the pie to get at the whipped topping, and left up to the other two family members, they don't even want the topping! (You can see on top of having a food addiction, part of my curse was to live in a house filled with non-foodies, with no sweet tooth, who forget to eat on a regular basis---in other words, I've been forced to cohabitate with beings outside my species.) Now, a great treat will be an extra smoothie that day... a fresh cranberry-apple-orange one in the morning, and a watermelon-papaya-pineapple one later in the day. For the actual dinner I can just share the nice big fresh-fruit salad I make for everyone else to enjoy. I look forward to that, because I haven't taken the time since I've been raw to actually cut up fruit and make a mixed salad! I tend to be a mono-eater, one of the reasons I find eating raw food so appealing. That might mainly be due to the fact I simply enjoy eating one food at a time-- sometimes the same food over and over again for weeks until I move onto the next one--or to my extreme laziness when it comes to getting nutrients and fuel into my mouth when it doesn't involve preparing for anyone else.

As Boot Camp has progressed, I've learned more and more, and I'm starting to loosen up about this new way I eat, and live, and think. I was feeling so magnanimous, I made dinner again last night... the previously-dreaded rellenos. It was so alright, I didn't even crave one-- not ONE, I tell you! Part of dinner involved making the pintos from scratch, which I started in the morning, seasoning blind, had hubby taste midday, they were pronounced fine, and I didn't have to worry about them again, except to keep an eye on them just simmering a few more hours. No big whoop with the pintos...my legumitude is, to forego the good but not fantasy-inspiring flavor, I can do without the after effects. I crave them not.

The other part-- a prior subject of fear--- was preparing the actual chile rellenos. They are my absolute favorite dish, ethnic or otherwise, of all time. I was able to avoid a dangerous part of the Relleno Ritual, because they had already been roasted and frozen. After they were half-defrosted, I peeled them and then, it became more like an art project. Since they had come from the tailend of the crop we harvested from our backyard garden this fall, they were so small, the usual Mexican-cheese strips with which I stuff them would not fit. Each chile had to be laid out on a board with the Queso Blanco strip beside. In order to make the chile relleno, or 'stuffed', I then had to carve the exact shape to fit that chile and carefully slide it in. I was partway through this process, when it occurred to me-- I was sculpting little phallic shapes and slipping the little chile condoms over them.

That pretty much did it. Took it right out of the realm of food for me. The rest was a snap. After I finished dipping them into the batter of blended yolks and eggwhites beaten stiff--- oh, no... I won't even go there---and frying them in the hot, melted vegetable grease---which caused me to ponder, how does one render a vegetable in order to extract its fat?---I immediately tidied up, wiping all the ceramic down with my homemade cleaner-- a mixture of a little bit of purple Fabuloso (a wonderful cleaner originally from Mexico, now manufactured by Colgate-Palmolive and pissing off the people at ConsumerReports.org who fear their sweet-smelling and luscious-coloured product may entice small children to drink and die), water, and a bottle of alcohol. I was Suzy-Homemaker for a few moments, again-- even filled (but failed to start, which I discovered this morning) the dishwasher, then walked out to the back landing to do my 57 wall push-ups for a challenge at Rawk Village.

Let me tell you, when it was all over, and I had gone out front for a moment and come back in, I realized it was the first time I had smelled any of the cooking odors! Made me wonder about how deeply I breathe normally. It also dawned on me how much easier it was to stand for all the time it takes to prepare them, and how my back didn't even start to hurt until the very end. That's understandable, since I'm just two pounds from my goal of releasing thirty during this first Boot Camp. What a difference from seven weeks ago when it would start hurting within the first five minutes, standing bent over the countertop, to do any type of food prep. Maybe my body remembering that associated pain was the real reason I dreaded making chile rellenos, after all.

But now...Piece of cuke!

The Worst Thing About My First Day Raw

The worst thing about my first day raw with RFBC was the hour leading up to the time I had set for myself, in my head, to exercise...w-w-w-w-a-a-a-a-lk. How do I hate thee, walking? Let me count the ways... to the depth of shame I feel walking down my favorite walk by the bay as I pass the multitudes of other walker/skater/bikers, all thinner than I. To the heighth of my body which does not seem to be stretched to its full heighth as I walk, but instead, to be sinking, vertebrae by vertebrae into the back of my pelvis, compacting what coccyx I have left into a Necco-sized wafer. To the breadth of my, well, breadth, as my almost-normal sized ankles attempt to balance an entire additional person inside the skin we call my body and totter both beings along the sidewalk at a 3mph clip for 60 minutes.

Right up until I bent forward, squishing a goodly part of me between my chest and my upper thighs as I perched on the sofa, to tie my shoes, stood up and walked right out the front door, my tuchas rushing behind to catch up, no doubt wondering where the feet were going at this hour... right up until then I was not 100% sure I could count on myself to do it. But, I did.

And not without many arguments with Little Voice (not exactly sure, but I think it is the spirit of a long-deceased Native American, apparently bent upon my destruction, I picked up while living in the desert a decade ago), which periodically hissed suggestions I turn back because my large left toe had begun to hurt. Then the blister I got a few days ago on my Achilles tendon flared up, then the back thing kicked in... and it was dark and there were too many thin people to pass, their attractive visages filling and tormenting my view... and on and on... thank God and Drill Sergeant Carlene I got sick of listening to Little Voice's whining this time, and began to distract myself instead with the beautiful surroundings, and to be thankful I could get up and walk at all, and began to notice instead the breeze blowing off the bay helping to drybrush the sweat from my skin.

No nausea today, feeling clean and healthy, and ever so grateful for having taken the walk.