Sunday, November 18, 2007

Delusions Revealed and the Princess Pricks Her Consciousness


I feel I'm entering a season of knuckling down and persistence. The pink cloud/rosy glow is waning, but being supplanted by an even more solid belief in what I am doing with raw food to recover my life. It is obvious now, it is working. Undeniable. It seemed the weight release was slowing, still steady, but slowing, earlier this week. I immediately began Plan B thinking, telling myself I needed to gracefully segue into this phase and adjust my mental approach accordingly. But deep inside, I began thinking, What am I doing wrong? I am pushing myself consistently every day. I am eating what I should be, and haven't broken raw. I'm now playing with how often I eat the fruit, and what kinds of fruit at what time of day, etc. I am up to 41 minutes on the treadmill, on the weightloss program, level 3 in the morning, and an hour of walking 3-3.5 mph in the evening. Yesterday I drank 110 oz water on top of the eating and started adding in the greens.

I realized that, somewhere in the back of my brain-- my Fat Brain? My still-fetal-stage Skinny Brain?-- I felt if I was perfect, if I did everything I could, the weight would continue to drop at a phenomenal rate, despite what everyone in the whole world said. But no---My reality is the same reality that everyone else has to deal with-- it will only come off as fast as it can, and it takes a certain amount of time passing. And, time takes time. Oh, I gave mouth service to the fact I knew it would take at least nine months, if not more, but I secretly believed Maybe it won't for me! Yeah, I'm SO special and different, why, I'll just wish all this weight away, now that I have the proper keys! Hmmph. Looking back, I am very pleased with the results overall, and any disappointment comes as a result of my Magic Magnifying Mind getting ahead of itself.

Then Thursday was serendipity. I got kind of excited, and a little scared at the same time: excited because the scales showed a good release number, BUT scared at how I was thinking all week long, and how quickly a little bit of negative thinking can creep back in without me even realizing it! I didn't even notice that my head was already bowing down mentally, until I saw the loss and was restored! It hit me, the depression that had snuck in without my knowledge, the tiny bit of belief eroding, wasn't that I was losing faith in the raw eating. Rather, I still remain immediately ready to throw myself under the bus. Furthermore, Little Voice--- who I assume has been hiding under a rock since about the first week of HR1, was ready, willing and able to pop right back out again and resume his destructive murmurings. Yeah, raw works, but what if it doesn't work for you? You've always been different, weird... maybe your body will only go so far with this and stop losing...maybe-- SHUT UP ALREADY!!!! What was scary, I didn't even realize he was down there, hissing vitriolic little doubts inside my head!

So, there it is... I've still got a LONNNNNG ways to go. The weight is coming off, the body is healing, but the Fat Brain is lagging behind. I've got a feeling Little Voice will not be exorcised quite so easily, and some remnant may always reside within. But his re-emergence this week has warned me, put me on guard, and I'm tuning up the settings on my nega-dar to HIGH-SENSITIVE... in hopes he wont' escape my immediate notice next time. So now I'm gearing up, full speed ahead, for the next phase, Raw Food Boot Camp, Holiday Rush II, beginning the day after TD, on November 23rd.

Although they are making some improvements in expanding the variety of Boot Camps they are offering, I actually did not even toy with the idea of doing a different version of HR for part II. That might be partially due to the price of stinkin raw walnuts and raw almonds being sky-high, coupled with the fact that in the two-to-three weeks before I started HolidayRush I, I pigged out on avocados... I ate at least one a day, and we have some HUGE ones here in Florida! I actually bought one the other day by accident from an unmarked bin of them at Garden of Eat'n, mistaking it for a Central American papaya, fka "Fruit of the Angels"! Which reminds me, and I'm going to give this to you free of charge: Ever heard of the Heavenly Trifecta of Fruit? That's because I just made it up...the name that is...according to another popular diet, which only allows fruits the first ten days (ah, too soon they stopped), papaya softens body fat, pineapple burns it off, and watermelon flushes it out! But, I digress...back to the ginormous Florida avocado in papaya's clothing---had to give it to my friend when I brought her back from the airport--- it would have made guacamole for eight, and would have rotted at my house with Ossie out of town for a week. I burned myself out on them for the time being. And beans... hooboy! Don't get me started! Can pass on the aftereffects. The thing is, I really believe there is so much of a variety to eat within a 100% LowFat-Raw diet, I just cannot figure out how to rationalize to justify an excuse to slow the release down by adding high-fat things right now.

Maybe it will be more of a struggle with that issue when I've dropped 60 or 80, I cannot predict how I'll feel. I've been very thin before, but I've never become slender after gaining this much weight, so I don't know how I'll think. Now that I find something that works for me, it just seems so counterproductive and wallow-ish to mess with it. For instance, I have found when I crave something crunchy, cutting up fresh veggies and taking the time to blend part of them with some fresh citrus and herbs and garlic, maybe adding a bit of Bragg's Liquid Aminos, and then kind of coating them in the resulting "salsa" does the trick.

But maybe it's just because I want it so badly... "it" being the body I've desecrated for the last two decades... whew...saying that just made me cry. Let me take a moment here.. I'm all verklempt... heah's a tawpic... Corinthian or Ionian architecture? Tawk amongst youahselfs...

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