Friday, November 9, 2007

LOST: A LOT, this Month-- If Found, Do Not Return

I cannot believe I have not blogged since October 27th. Shame on me. So many things have happened, we had a major holiday, Hallo-go-around-knock-on-complete-strangers'-doors-begging-for-sugar-based-fuel-to-toxify-your-little-bodies-ween, I lost more weight, we had a young adult friend of our son's move out, I lost more weight, the friend moved back in, I lost more weight, the refrigerator went out, I lost more weight, the friend moved back out, I lost more weight. The most consistent thing in my life has been loss... but most of it has been weight, off my body and my mind.

I went back over my daily logs for the past month-- I really enjoyed reviewing them. It picked me up to see, wow, look how far I've come. Seems just a short while, and eons ago, at the same time! I re-lived the ups and downs, and there were mostly ups. Oh, there were the early confrontations with the hubs, one over spaghetti sauce, yes, a matter of grave significance, and who could forget the sequel involving crescent rolls. That incident called for a prompt and scathing email, because I could not trust myself to properly emote at the time. Yes, an email...remember, I just recently picked up the tool of bilateral verbal communication.

The upshot of all that was, as toxins have begun to pour from my body, I seem to have lost some resentments as well. I began to think about his point of view. Subsequently we talked about things (he apologized even). It appears he was just a little clueless about how I’ve really been feeling about the whole food thing. I acknowledge that was possible, since I don’t share my feelings about “food” due to personal shame about the issue. Imagine that. And he said he just gets “excited” about making dinner! It hit me, maybe that is because, for most-- and I mean a major chunk-- of the last 20 years, I have made dinner. I tapered off this past year to maybe only four or five times a week. Then I stopped. When I started this program, I told the family, hey, you want it cooked, there’s the stove.

I had to allow in my construct for the possibility that Ossie truly is excited about providing food that he selected, purchased, and prepared for his family. After all, I would not have done it for so long had I not enjoyed it. However, all those years, all those meals? It was wearing thin. I had become jaded, and saddened, by the slow emptying of our “nest” of the younger family members. Mealtimes changed. What was once a privilege and a joy had gradually evolved into an unfulfilling, sometimes painful, task. Perhaps that even contributed to my overeating, nightly, to deaden the pain of the loss. But for Ossie, it is still a fresh experience, this thing I have come to consider as mundane and a burden. Even so, I lost making dinner and brunches. Maybe I’m just a little…envious…that I cannot share in it, because, one, I no longer feel the same excitement about cooking, and two, I can’t share in the fruits of his labor right now, either. I ended up regretting my outburst. He was actually trying to do good. His exuberance was pure and guileless, not, as I accused him of, callous and calculating.

I am feeling so happy about the growth and the shrinkth that has happened this past month. I also discovered I was trying desperately to keep a secret from myself: I may be ready for another career change. I guess I was convinced for so long that "this was it"... I'd never have to change careers again...I was DONE! Whew, glad I got that career thing taken care of! But all year long there has been a growing awareness I just wasn't being fulfilled the way I used to be. It seems as my body opened up and released some weight, the mind followed suit. I guess some of that sweating action penetrated my brain. I became open to the idea that I might want to change doing what I do to make a living, and I started dealing with the natural fears that come along with that.

So, I'm exploring different options, I'm open. But I've also experienced renewed interest about my current profession. So who knows? The biggest change was just becoming open, realizing I'm not done yet, and I don't have to be ensnared by my fears of change or rejection, I'm not too old or too fat... I can do anything I truly set my mind to! I had always been a strong person and self-confident, but the extra weight had slowly, insidiously eroded that, without me truly being aware of the emotional damage. I had to uncover it first, to be able to repair it. It's like discovering a slow leak inside the wall of your house you didn't know you had. At first you're horrified, then when you get over that, you start tearing out the sheetrock and tackling the leak.

That's what I'm doing now. Down 23.1 pounds, 35.75 overall inches, resting heartrate 60. Month one, 100% raw, lowfat, low-GI frugivore/vegan. And, today, dahlings, I FEEL FAB-oo-luss, and I'm looking better!

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