How Did I Not Love Me? Let me count the ways...

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep...

~~Robert Frost

Reading Lynn Bering's Weightloss Blog...she puts it exactly how I feel/felt/found, and I'm going to paraphrase her:

"I’ve done this before, this little dance of denial, and I’ve always gotten back on course. But when I’m in the midst of stress and that irrational voice tells me I’ll find comfort in [a bite of c*******, a spoonful of rice, a few c**** or some evil salt], it’s hard to hear that rational voice that says, 'STOP! Go meditate, walk, brush your teeth, chew gum, eat a Tic Tac…something other than eat that which you did not PLAN.' I’m one of the most stubborn people I know and still I have a hard time telling myself “no” when I need to hear it most of all. I get there eventually, but not without sincere self-discipline, sitting myself down and asking myself what’s really wrong, what’s causing me to eat instead of cope."

I figure today the scale will be up...I'll go check later this morning when I can get to the gym... but I know I can feel it in my stomach. It's the last place it comes off, and the first to go back on. Anyway, I woke up at 3am, after going to bed about 11:30, and could not get back to sleep...too much on my mind...and I knew I had to have a long talk with myself and jerk myself back into reality again. I knew I had to commit to re-commitment and quit beating myself up about having to constantly re-commit. I mean, isn't that just life? I knew I had to quit waiting for someone to call me on the phone and shock me back to my senses. To quit using backpain as an excuse for not sitting down in front of the computer after I'm done working and getting to the forum more and revealing myself to my support group. I knew I had to get up and just return to all the things I've done for months which have carried me this far... to fitday-ing everything so I can see what I’ve eaten in print, and share it with others. I knew I had to pull myself back in, hand over hand, to my lifeline to shore, my peeps on the forum where I post with other women trying to lose large amounts of weight eating healthily, and mainly raw vegan.

No more being seduced by the seemingly innocent woods, no more temptation to just rest for awhile, to quit pressing forward... if I give in, I run the very real risk of being covered by my blanket of denial, and slowly, slowly slipping into caloric unconsciousness, then death. No more denial. I committed again to choosing to listen to the re-programmed Skinny Brain, and not to Little Voice, whom I've discussed before in this blog. I’ll get up, get out, and walk, even if it is the third time in a day...this means keeping my athletic shoes on, all the time! Or I'll tackle one of several projects I've thought up to help get my asthmatic mortgage business revived. It worked for me, maybe it will breathe life back into it!

It feels good to at least feel back in control. It feels good to have made some decisions about what I plan to do with the rest of my life--- well, for this week anyway. I’ll knock whatever I gained back off in no time, probably on the Five-Day All-raw Cruise. And I feel safe and hopeful again, because I know I’m doing all I can to stop those pounds from inviting their friends for a party inside my skin... I'm the ONLY one who'll be doing that! Before I'm done, surely, I'll be more seductive than some old snow-laden grove of trees.

Are there Fireworks in Heaven? and other Random Thoughts from tonight's walk

Not every day raw is marked by profound revelations or progressions. Some days are just...days. It doesn't prevent me from wanting to fulfill my commitment to myself to blog more this year. Some of my favorites started out as a collection of musings and ended up having a point, after a fashion. This post will probably fall into that category.

When I ate mainly cooked food, I noticed I was usually starving in the morning or at least thought I was. Believing that I needed to eat was so strong, that I have no remembrance of actually feeling hungry, for, oh, I don't know how long. When I started eating raw, I started noticing that when I get up, my first thoughts are not of food. All of us BREAK fast at different times... and I continue to lose weight and get healthier and healthier, and upon occasion am not truly hungry until noon, or even early afternoon! Also the longer I eat raw definitely is having an impact upon my becoming increasingly attuned to my body and learning from it. When I was eating all cooked food and low-nutrient/high-fat/high sugar food, I seemed to be totally out of touch with my body.

Yesterday I let the day get away from me before getting to the gym to exercise before it closed, and it was chilly and rainy all day, and my precious baywalk was closed for this year's Gasparilla Extravaganza Children's Parade. So tonight I was especially determined to get outside to walk. I get down to the seawall, and it turns out they had closed Bayshore Drive again from Patriot's Corner where I usually stow my car while I do my run, northward, so I head south to my old starting point, El Prado. I begin a walk south towards Ballast Point, 3.6 miles roundtrip. The concrete walk along the seawall narrows toward the end of Bayshore, continuing alongside brick-paved streets gently winding to mimic the unseen curve of the shore just the other side of the townhomes on the east, ending up at Ballast Point Park.

As is always true after missing a day of exercise for any reason, I spend the first five minutes allowing Fat Brain and Skinny Brain to duke it out about who is driving Body, and whether or not we're going to "turn this body around and take it right home!"...Skinny Brain, as always, wins, even though Fat Brain had Faceskin and Fingers on his side, and Shrinking Torso was undecided. Then I start opening my mind to various and sundry thoughts to see what would come, and this is what I ended up with tonight:

• I'm so glad I have all my extremities still with me to be able to feel anything, including cold. No matter how I might feel about war as a philosophy or in general, God bless you, co-citizens of this country, who have ended up losing any part of your body in the line of militaristic duty to which you felt called or honor-bound to perform you believed to be in the pursuit of freedom for your countrymen and countrywomen.


• Pushing myself to complete the daily efforts to reach my goals is part of it... it never stops and I can never quit, unless I want to stop trying to reach goals.


• After the first five or ten minutes, it's a moot point anyway--- I'm going to finish at that point.


• Even if you're half-frozen, always take time to stop for a surprise fireworks exhibition...you never know if it will be the last one you ever see.


• I've never seen fireworks dropped by planes flying in tandem before! The Red Baron Squadron's aerobatic performance was an amazing sight, especially the sparkly contrails...but watching them caused a tension within which detracts a bit from my unabashed enjoyment, because they fly too close to each other and I'm afraid of some tragic occurrence...


• Are there fireworks in Heaven continuously? That's probably thinking too small...from what I've been told....I love fireworks.
• Why does watching fireworks make you want to drink alcoholic beverages and light up a cigar and swing your hips around in hulahoop fashion and cry WooHOOO! Or is that just me?


• Why are most of the shooting sparkles the colors of Christmas? Does magenta and hot pink and chartreuse cost more? Are our city coffers a bit constrained--like my own--- in the fireworks-display budget right now?


• It is marginally more fun to watch fireworks displays--- especially when I'm experiencing physical discomfort--- with someone than without...but it's alright alone, too. Alone in a crowd.


• It's tremendously cold for the Floridian species...47 degrees windchill back at the house, probably colder down here at the bay.


• My tailbone hurts, perched on one of the concrete seats curving bayside at intervals along the seawall, and my hands form cloth-clad stumps inside the ends of each sleeve and are plunged inside the pouch at the front of my red and black hoodie. But if I leave now, I won't get to see the big finale...they always have a big finale... it is a battle of will to stick it out, especially as others begin to give up and move off towards the assured warmth of their respective rides or homes.


• I want to see the big finale.

The evening walk ends up being a metaphor of my weightloss experience-- I tend to turn everything into a metaphor of my weightloss experience--- but it really was: if I can endure the momentary discomfort, I'll get to experience the pleasure of the Big Finale! And after I started to walk on to my car, after the big, wonderful, unusually explosive ending, a minute or so elapsed, and they had one more encore! Which I related in my mind to maintenance... more reward for continued effort.

Sitting in queue at the railroad tracks, it occurred to me the day ended up being a feast for the senses...face-deadening, finger-stiffening cold, startlingly awesome pyrotechnic display, delicious new fruit to taste, the sound of fireworks exploding, both shooting up and being dropped from planes into the night skies, the loud blare of the locomotive I had to wait for on the way home, the heater air slowly warming my toes, while the cold air above kept my nose and cheeks numb... of all the days there've ever been, this certainly has been one!

So, I'm thinking, I can't wait to see what kind of days this journey will bring me in the months ahead, and I want to stay...until the end, and beyond!

All I Gotta Do

My Fat Brain got some bad news in the last few days. A growing awareness in Thinbrain has led to the conclusion that the beatings will continue...the exercise will be increased in frequency, duration and intensity. This year is all about simplification, honesty, accountability, cleaning up and cleaning out. I am continuing to intensify my walking, and now running, exercise by now doing it twice a day, once easy, once a little more intense. Now I am also thinking about adding in extra toning and strengthening exercises. The focus is: I don't have time to play around with the weightloss... GET THESE TOXINS OUT NOW.

I've been paying more and more attention to the ladies I'm in contact with who have lost a lot of weight and kept it off successfully. I've also begun to research the subject, because me dealing with it this year is a reality, and I need to begin to prepare. The general consensus is, the more you lose, the more you have to exercise in order to lose more! Because there is less mass to burn the calories than there was before, and even if you strengthen and build muscle mass to replace and burn calories more efficiently, its very efficiency cannot make up for the volume that was formerly inside the body maintaining itself. The White Queen would no doubt tell me I've been living in a slow sort of country, because now, it takes all the running I can do, to keep in the same place. If I want to get somewhere else, I "must run at least twice as fast as that!"

In sales, you set goals and then you set quotas. You set the goal far out, and then you break down time in between now and when you want to reach the goal into quantifiable quotas which will accumulate over regular intervals during the given period of time to yield the goal amount.

I have a goal of 126. I know when I want to be there. I have now gone back and set weekly quotas for toxins to be released, which will result in reaching the goal when I initially planned. In order to effect that release, my intake of calories, which must remain fairly constant within a range of 1000-1200 calories, is less manipulable than the exercise. The amount of exercise I must do in order to work within the range of calories, given the projected weight my body will be on any given week, is therefore identifiable, quantifiable, and DO-ABLE! I have to burn a certain amount of calories, and there are fairly static basal rates for a given weight, and there are set calories expended by various types of exercise with relation to intensity and duration, and that is identifiable...ALL I HAVE TO DO IS STICK WITH THE PLAN AND MY GOAL IS A FOREGONE CONCLUSION!!!! You don't know how much comfort that gives me.

Now... I just have to WANT to stick with the plan hour by hour, day by day, week by week, for the next 22 weeks! That's all I have to do, and I will have completed the first step in restoring That Seventies Body to mois....in becoming Princess PHATso...and then the next tough part begins, but for now, all I have to keep my eyes on is doing my exercise and eating my fruit and veggies for today, so I can meet this next week's quota! I'm on my way!!! 22 MORE WEEKS!!! Two fiscal quarters! A pittance! A snippet of time!!!

What I Learned at Raw Food Boot Camp

All ten of us who read this blog may have noticed my absence the past, oh, let's just call it six weeks and be done.

Well, my goal was certainly to blog more often, and one of my new year's resolutions was to blog nearly daily, but a funny thing happens on the way to the resolution forum every year. I start early in late November-- to get the jump on the rest of the hoi polloi, you see-- but I suspect I have a hidden agenda about that, as well. I believe that the part of my brain (Fat Brain) where Little Voice dwells, lurking behind some algae-covered synapse, has subscribed to the RSS-feed--- I'm not exactly even sure what that is but I know it has something to do with instant notification of updated information--- of the other side of my brain (the side where Glenda the Good Witch stays when she comes to visit), and goes into overdrive to immediately counter-attack any planned positive changes. Therefore, the jumpstart on new year's resolutions serves as a counter-counter response to any insurgency on the part of Fat Brain, which results in said resolutions actually taking effect about...the first week or two of January, same as everybody else.

Then there is the whole maddening December thing my head goes on a tirade about, on any given year, ever since I lost both my parents and a favored dachshund during that season several years back. A few Decembers since 2000, I have absolutely had all I could do to function for the entire month. Much less make the journey, alone, into that head of mine, a necessary evil of the blogging process. And this year, I also had to deal with the contemplation of the end of a career path, continuing the raw food path, etc, etc, waaaah-waaaah, ad nauseum... there are my excuses, and I'm sticking to it!

Now we've got that out of the way, I had taken some time to reflect upon what the Raw Food Boot Camp experience had done for me after it ended November 21st, besides help me lose about 28 pounds. Fortunately, dear reader, I made a few notes and saved them in a text file for future reference for when I wrote my report, What I have learned as a Result of Boot Camp.

Three major things come to mind: getting back "in touch" with ME; uncovering and tackling some inner "work" that needed doing I didnt' know was there; and how to open up lines of communication with my husband, the benefit to the latter of which being re-evaluated on a daily basis. The biggest thing I took away was the realization it can be done, and it can be done by me. I had pretty much given up on getting below the number on the scales the ginormous amount of weight I managed to accumulate inside my skin afforded me. But I proved to myself I was about to give up right before the change. Now, I know it is possible. Now, I know that I can lose the weight--- it takes determination and sticking to the plan but I can do it. I am starting to see the old me, that I imagine I was at some point whether that has any bearing upon the actual truth or not, start to shine through. Now I am taking the excitement of knowing there is something that absolutely does work and converting it to action to shed the pounds! I really am so thankful for this experience!

I have also learned to incorporate exercise and keep it a priority in my life, because I have come to believe and admit that exercise is key to any successful weightloss program, and to keeping it off once you've lost it... and that harder isn't always the best if its the pounds you're really looking to lose. I've learned that I really can set goals and follow through. I've also learned that exercise is good and can elevate my mood more than ice cream ever could, or, as Dr. Stephen Gullo says, exercise keeps my moods out of my foods. I've also learned that all fruit is the best, most efficient way to lose weight, for me, for right now-- fruit always tastes delicious, it's portable, it delivers live nutrients at a moment's notice, it's beautiful to behold and it fills me up..... physically and emotionally.

Oh, a couple more aphorisms... after enduring a particularly difficult December:

It is better to be thinner and miserable, than fat and miserable.

There is no value high enough to be placed upon friends, cyber and flesh alike, who help you keep an attitude of gratitude....SPEAKING OF WHICH, please be good to yourself today and visit an AMAZING SITE that belongs to my new cyber-friend, Christy Murphy. She has tapped into something that is one of the major cures for depression, and has almost become a lost art in our society today...expressing thanks.

And if you are reading this, thank you.

Fear of Feasting Alleviated by Veggie Porn

"And although it be not always so plentifull, as it was at this time with us, yet by the goodness of God,

we are so farre from want, that we often wish you partakers of our plentie."

---Edward Winslow writing in Mourt's Relation,

one of only two primary sources for the events of autumn 1621 in Plymouth, MA

We were planning to go to The Pub Waterfront Restaurant, over in Indian Shores, for Thanksgiving dinner...I really did not relish the thought of the whole two-day food-prep rigamarole, for food I wasn't going to eat, anyway. I discovered while either reading Creative Loafing or *tbt that they were serving TD traditional roast turkey with all the trimmings. Knowing that Ossie is all about tradition-- we've had the same things at Thanksgiving Dinner for twenty years, an amalgamation of what my mother (and her mother) made and what his mother made, with a few creations of my own added over time-- I thought, what a wonderful way to preserve my rawtiety and not make the family suffer unduly! With the added bonusii of being waited on, no cleanup, and the certain appropriateness of traveling to a place called Indian Shores on Thanksgiving, I excitedly called for reservations.

Despite all that, we made some last-minute changes to TD dinner plans when Ossie returned from Boston this week. Maybe it was something about being closer to the area the actual first Thanksgiving took place, I don't know. But when he returned, his resolve to go out for TD had waned, and after very little discussion, I agreed. We are going to stay home and cook, again, but a streamlined version of all the other years. Ossie is going to help prepare. He is actually an excellent cook and enjoys it, so we are dividing the duties. I'll handle the veggies, he'll handle the meat, and we'll come together on the dressing. There was some momentary angst, when discussing just purchasing a turkey breast for the whitemeat lover, and a leg for the darkmeat lover (alas, the poor turkey, he loved all of his meat!), and Ossie worried about not having giblets for the gravy or dressing. I reminded him that, he hated giblets, and so did my son, and the only person who ever gobbled them down was...mois. This cheered him up greatly, and the modified plans are in place and widely accepted. They make more sense for everyone, now that I have gotten over my fear of cooking.

It wasn't as if I bothered to make pies for a long time, anyway. Grocery store bakeries do such a good job, more cheaply. Traditional pies at TD never were a huge draw for me... I only suffer the pie to get at the whipped topping, and left up to the other two family members, they don't even want the topping! (You can see on top of having a food addiction, part of my curse was to live in a house filled with non-foodies, with no sweet tooth, who forget to eat on a regular basis---in other words, I've been forced to cohabitate with beings outside my species.) Now, a great treat will be an extra smoothie that day... a fresh cranberry-apple-orange one in the morning, and a watermelon-papaya-pineapple one later in the day. For the actual dinner I can just share the nice big fresh-fruit salad I make for everyone else to enjoy. I look forward to that, because I haven't taken the time since I've been raw to actually cut up fruit and make a mixed salad! I tend to be a mono-eater, one of the reasons I find eating raw food so appealing. That might mainly be due to the fact I simply enjoy eating one food at a time-- sometimes the same food over and over again for weeks until I move onto the next one--or to my extreme laziness when it comes to getting nutrients and fuel into my mouth when it doesn't involve preparing for anyone else.

As Boot Camp has progressed, I've learned more and more, and I'm starting to loosen up about this new way I eat, and live, and think. I was feeling so magnanimous, I made dinner again last night... the previously-dreaded rellenos. It was so alright, I didn't even crave one-- not ONE, I tell you! Part of dinner involved making the pintos from scratch, which I started in the morning, seasoning blind, had hubby taste midday, they were pronounced fine, and I didn't have to worry about them again, except to keep an eye on them just simmering a few more hours. No big whoop with the pintos...my legumitude is, to forego the good but not fantasy-inspiring flavor, I can do without the after effects. I crave them not.

The other part-- a prior subject of fear--- was preparing the actual chile rellenos. They are my absolute favorite dish, ethnic or otherwise, of all time. I was able to avoid a dangerous part of the Relleno Ritual, because they had already been roasted and frozen. After they were half-defrosted, I peeled them and then, it became more like an art project. Since they had come from the tailend of the crop we harvested from our backyard garden this fall, they were so small, the usual Mexican-cheese strips with which I stuff them would not fit. Each chile had to be laid out on a board with the Queso Blanco strip beside. In order to make the chile relleno, or 'stuffed', I then had to carve the exact shape to fit that chile and carefully slide it in. I was partway through this process, when it occurred to me-- I was sculpting little phallic shapes and slipping the little chile condoms over them.

That pretty much did it. Took it right out of the realm of food for me. The rest was a snap. After I finished dipping them into the batter of blended yolks and eggwhites beaten stiff--- oh, no... I won't even go there---and frying them in the hot, melted vegetable grease---which caused me to ponder, how does one render a vegetable in order to extract its fat?---I immediately tidied up, wiping all the ceramic down with my homemade cleaner-- a mixture of a little bit of purple Fabuloso (a wonderful cleaner originally from Mexico, now manufactured by Colgate-Palmolive and pissing off the people at ConsumerReports.org who fear their sweet-smelling and luscious-coloured product may entice small children to drink and die), water, and a bottle of alcohol. I was Suzy-Homemaker for a few moments, again-- even filled (but failed to start, which I discovered this morning) the dishwasher, then walked out to the back landing to do my 57 wall push-ups for a challenge at Rawk Village.

Let me tell you, when it was all over, and I had gone out front for a moment and come back in, I realized it was the first time I had smelled any of the cooking odors! Made me wonder about how deeply I breathe normally. It also dawned on me how much easier it was to stand for all the time it takes to prepare them, and how my back didn't even start to hurt until the very end. That's understandable, since I'm just two pounds from my goal of releasing thirty during this first Boot Camp. What a difference from seven weeks ago when it would start hurting within the first five minutes, standing bent over the countertop, to do any type of food prep. Maybe my body remembering that associated pain was the real reason I dreaded making chile rellenos, after all.

But now...Piece of cuke!

Delusions Revealed and the Princess Pricks Her Consciousness

This Post Also Contains FREE BONUS: HEAVENLY FRUIT TRIFECTA SECRET REVEALED!

I feel I'm entering a season of knuckling down and persistence. The pink cloud/rosy glow is waning, but being supplanted by an even more solid belief in what I am doing with raw food to recover my life. It is obvious now, it is working. Undeniable. It seemed the weight release was slowing, still steady, but slowing, earlier this week. I immediately began Plan B thinking, telling myself I needed to gracefully segue into this phase and adjust my mental approach accordingly. But deep inside, I began thinking, What am I doing wrong? I am pushing myself consistently every day. I am eating what I should be, and haven't broken raw. I'm now playing with how often I eat the fruit, and what kinds of fruit at what time of day, etc. I am up to 41 minutes on the treadmill, on the weightloss program, level 3 in the morning, and an hour of walking 3-3.5 mph in the evening. Yesterday I drank 110 oz water on top of the eating and started adding in the greens.

I realized that, somewhere in the back of my brain-- my Fat Brain? My still-fetal-stage Skinny Brain?-- I felt if I was perfect, if I did everything I could, the weight would continue to drop at a phenomenal rate, despite what everyone in the whole world said. But no---My reality is the same reality that everyone else has to deal with-- it will only come off as fast as it can, and it takes a certain amount of time passing. And, time takes time. Oh, I gave mouth service to the fact I knew it would take at least nine months, if not more, but I secretly believed Maybe it won't for me! Yeah, I'm SO special and different, why, I'll just wish all this weight away, now that I have the proper keys! Hmmph. Looking back, I am very pleased with the results overall, and any disappointment comes as a result of my Magic Magnifying Mind getting ahead of itself.

Then Thursday was serendipity. I got kind of excited, and a little scared at the same time: excited because the scales showed a good release number, BUT scared at how I was thinking all week long, and how quickly a little bit of negative thinking can creep back in without me even realizing it! I didn't even notice that my head was already bowing down mentally, until I saw the loss and was restored! It hit me, the depression that had snuck in without my knowledge, the tiny bit of belief eroding, wasn't that I was losing faith in the raw eating. Rather, I still remain immediately ready to throw myself under the bus. Furthermore, Little Voice--- who I assume has been hiding under a rock since about the first week of HR1, was ready, willing and able to pop right back out again and resume his destructive murmurings. Yeah, raw works, but what if it doesn't work for you? You've always been different, weird... maybe your body will only go so far with this and stop losing...maybe-- SHUT UP ALREADY!!!! What was scary, I didn't even realize he was down there, hissing vitriolic little doubts inside my head!

So, there it is... I've still got a LONNNNNG ways to go. The weight is coming off, the body is healing, but the Fat Brain is lagging behind. I've got a feeling Little Voice will not be exorcised quite so easily, and some remnant may always reside within. But his re-emergence this week has warned me, put me on guard, and I'm tuning up the settings on my nega-dar to HIGH-SENSITIVE... in hopes he wont' escape my immediate notice next time. So now I'm gearing up, full speed ahead, for the next phase, Raw Food Boot Camp, Holiday Rush II, beginning the day after TD, on November 23rd.

Although they are making some improvements in expanding the variety of Boot Camps they are offering, I actually did not even toy with the idea of doing a different version of HR for part II. That might be partially due to the price of stinkin raw walnuts and raw almonds being sky-high, coupled with the fact that in the two-to-three weeks before I started HolidayRush I, I pigged out on avocados... I ate at least one a day, and we have some HUGE ones here in Florida! I actually bought one the other day by accident from an unmarked bin of them at Garden of Eat'n, mistaking it for a Central American papaya, fka "Fruit of the Angels"! Which reminds me, and I'm going to give this to you free of charge: Ever heard of the Heavenly Trifecta of Fruit? That's because I just made it up...the name that is...according to another popular diet, which only allows fruits the first ten days (ah, too soon they stopped), papaya softens body fat, pineapple burns it off, and watermelon flushes it out! But, I digress...back to the ginormous Florida avocado in papaya's clothing---had to give it to my friend when I brought her back from the airport--- it would have made guacamole for eight, and would have rotted at my house with Ossie out of town for a week. I burned myself out on them for the time being. And beans... hooboy! Don't get me started! Can pass on the aftereffects. The thing is, I really believe there is so much of a variety to eat within a 100% LowFat-Raw diet, I just cannot figure out how to rationalize to justify an excuse to slow the release down by adding high-fat things right now.

Maybe it will be more of a struggle with that issue when I've dropped 60 or 80, I cannot predict how I'll feel. I've been very thin before, but I've never become slender after gaining this much weight, so I don't know how I'll think. Now that I find something that works for me, it just seems so counterproductive and wallow-ish to mess with it. For instance, I have found when I crave something crunchy, cutting up fresh veggies and taking the time to blend part of them with some fresh citrus and herbs and garlic, maybe adding a bit of Bragg's Liquid Aminos, and then kind of coating them in the resulting "salsa" does the trick.

But maybe it's just because I want it so badly... "it" being the body I've desecrated for the last two decades... whew...saying that just made me cry. Let me take a moment here.. I'm all verklempt... heah's a tawpic... Corinthian or Ionian architecture? Tawk amongst youahselfs...

LOST: A LOT, this Month-- If Found, Do Not Return

I cannot believe I have not blogged since October 27th. Shame on me. So many things have happened, we had a major holiday, Hallo-go-around-knock-on-complete-strangers'-doors-begging-for-sugar-based-fuel-to-toxify-your-little-bodies-ween, I lost more weight, we had a young adult friend of our son's move out, I lost more weight, the friend moved back in, I lost more weight, the refrigerator went out, I lost more weight, the friend moved back out, I lost more weight. The most consistent thing in my life has been loss... but most of it has been weight, off my body and my mind.

I went back over my daily logs for the past month-- I really enjoyed reviewing them. It picked me up to see, wow, look how far I've come. Seems just a short while, and eons ago, at the same time! I re-lived the ups and downs, and there were mostly ups. Oh, there were the early confrontations with the hubs, one over spaghetti sauce, yes, a matter of grave significance, and who could forget the sequel involving crescent rolls. That incident called for a prompt and scathing email, because I could not trust myself to properly emote at the time. Yes, an email...remember, I just recently picked up the tool of bilateral verbal communication.

The upshot of all that was, as toxins have begun to pour from my body, I seem to have lost some resentments as well. I began to think about his point of view. Subsequently we talked about things (he apologized even). It appears he was just a little clueless about how I’ve really been feeling about the whole food thing. I acknowledge that was possible, since I don’t share my feelings about “food” due to personal shame about the issue. Imagine that. And he said he just gets “excited” about making dinner! It hit me, maybe that is because, for most-- and I mean a major chunk-- of the last 20 years, I have made dinner. I tapered off this past year to maybe only four or five times a week. Then I stopped. When I started this program, I told the family, hey, you want it cooked, there’s the stove.

I had to allow in my construct for the possibility that Ossie truly is excited about providing food that he selected, purchased, and prepared for his family. After all, I would not have done it for so long had I not enjoyed it. However, all those years, all those meals? It was wearing thin. I had become jaded, and saddened, by the slow emptying of our “nest” of the younger family members. Mealtimes changed. What was once a privilege and a joy had gradually evolved into an unfulfilling, sometimes painful, task. Perhaps that even contributed to my overeating, nightly, to deaden the pain of the loss. But for Ossie, it is still a fresh experience, this thing I have come to consider as mundane and a burden. Even so, I lost making dinner and brunches. Maybe I’m just a little…envious…that I cannot share in it, because, one, I no longer feel the same excitement about cooking, and two, I can’t share in the fruits of his labor right now, either. I ended up regretting my outburst. He was actually trying to do good. His exuberance was pure and guileless, not, as I accused him of, callous and calculating.

I am feeling so happy about the growth and the shrinkth that has happened this past month. I also discovered I was trying desperately to keep a secret from myself: I may be ready for another career change. I guess I was convinced for so long that "this was it"... I'd never have to change careers again...I was DONE! Whew, glad I got that career thing taken care of! But all year long there has been a growing awareness I just wasn't being fulfilled the way I used to be. It seems as my body opened up and released some weight, the mind followed suit. I guess some of that sweating action penetrated my brain. I became open to the idea that I might want to change doing what I do to make a living, and I started dealing with the natural fears that come along with that.

So, I'm exploring different options, I'm open. But I've also experienced renewed interest about my current profession. So who knows? The biggest change was just becoming open, realizing I'm not done yet, and I don't have to be ensnared by my fears of change or rejection, I'm not too old or too fat... I can do anything I truly set my mind to! I had always been a strong person and self-confident, but the extra weight had slowly, insidiously eroded that, without me truly being aware of the emotional damage. I had to uncover it first, to be able to repair it. It's like discovering a slow leak inside the wall of your house you didn't know you had. At first you're horrified, then when you get over that, you start tearing out the sheetrock and tackling the leak.

That's what I'm doing now. Down 23.1 pounds, 35.75 overall inches, resting heartrate 60. Month one, 100% raw, lowfat, low-GI frugivore/vegan. And, today, dahlings, I FEEL FAB-oo-luss, and I'm looking better!

The Princess Discovers a New Relationship Tool: Communication

One might think the significant others in the lives of obese people would be thrilled/overjoyed/totally supportive when their inner-toxic-waste-challenged loved ones embark upon life-changing journeys toward recovery. After all, they have been negatively affected by the weight gain, too, so naturally the weight release could only reverse those effects, right? Not necessarily, my precious flowers. Frequently, they develop their own fears about what their loved ones, once released from poundage prison, will be like. Will they be the same, predictable, comfy partners? Will they still want and need the significants when the obese ones become thin? Will the significants still love them? Solutions on how to deal with these issues need to be developed early on, before secret fears start to manifest real problems. Major conversationage might be called for.

Right before virtually shipping out to Raw Food Boot Camp, I secured a verbal promise, and signed agreement (in accordance with the rules of the program) of support from the primary significant, in my case, Ossie. But, being hypersensitive about his prior decade-delayed reaction to my weight gain (I know, I know…I was responsible for the gain, not him, but if he'd kept his mouth shut about it for a decade, couldn't he have just...), and about the whole weight issue in general, my fat-dar was on Red Alert. From day one, I thought I noticed a certain mopiness when it came to me not eating with everyone. A certain miffedness, when I showed no interest in the nightly, detailed announcement of what he planned to prepare. I even got a sauce-laden wooden spoon shoved in front of my face one evening, the usual proffered pre-dinner taste for homemade spaghetti night, and a display of total disbelief that I wouldn’t partake.

Well… what can I really expect from someone who has sat by and watched me, time after time, fail to persevere with any one of a myriad of manic weight loss attempts? Watched me start to scrabble up that mountain of dietary dilemma, only to repeatedly lose purchase and slip back to settle uncomfortably into the valley of dietary despair? Yeah, yeah, try living it, Oss.

Anyway, here's the thing. I learn about this talking it out thing, and I think, novel idea. Talk about it, huh? You mean, face to face? Could I just send him an edict in an email? Apparently, no, the idea is mutual, real-time communication. Huh. As it turns out, the few times I have experimented with this technique, results have been nothing short of amazing.

For instance, after one little ‘talk’ I discovered he was feeling guilty about eating around me! This led him to feel uncomfortable about replenishing the specific groceries that he and born-second son--and his various friends who drop in-- eat. That could have been a big factor in the grouchy attitude I thought was directed at me. This revelation came about when he came to me, apologizing for caving in and buying meat. Then I had the chance to tell him it didn't bother me one whit, but if he could cut back on his nightly effusiveness over how tasty every single morsel of their meal was, it would be appreciated. He looked surprised, then sheepish, and said, oh-- yeah, you're right-- alright, I won't do that.

So, we seem to be going forward with a better understanding. I admit, I was a little surprised at his forethought, and sensitivity to what he imagined I might be tempted by---albeit mistakenly--- that led him to not buy himself any meat products for a week and a half so as not to impede my progress. You'd have to know him, to realize what a big deal that was...the man is a carnivore extraordinaire...if you cut him, he bleeds steaks.

I felt a little bad myself. Here I'd been so focused on my fruit I never even noticed the presence OR absence of meat and eggs. I told him that his having a chop or a ribeye, or any of the various animal protein he loves to eat, is not affecting me if I don't let it... and so far, up through today, I'm not letting it. I also told him that, to be very truthful, I wasn't that crazy about those foods before I went raw, so they weren't big temptations for me now. He is having a hard time fully believing that, because I apparently did such a smashing job of sublimating my real feelings for quite some time. Guess I can’t blame him, though sometimes I catch myself still trying to. We had gotten into this rut, so sharing food became one of the major daily events in which we bonded. By doing this talking thing everyone is so insistent upon, I found out it was more important to him than I had imagined. I think in his eyes, that was a togetherness time, and evidently that remains important. Double huh.

And again this morning… when I returned from my daily weigh-in at the gym, he was sitting on the front porch, and says, "Look at this! Here is a flyer from Fresh Market, and we can get the whole Thanksgiving meal... [he reads all the different items]... and it feeds six to eight. We just go pick it up at the deli or have them deliver it! Isn't that neat? And it's less time and trouble...then 'we' won't have all that mess either!" WOW...he was thinking about me. Again! Because I always make this huuuuuuuuuge spread, have to start cooking the day before for hours at a whack, get up at the crack of dawn and cook for several more hours straight, and then everybody descends like vultures and it's over in 30 minutes! Except for a couple more hours of cleanup and storing 838 pounds of leftovers.

Here's the other thing. I've made somewhere in the realm of 25 Thanksgiving Day 'feasts'...making sure every one got their favorite recipe, making sure to carry on the generational resurrection of my mother's recipes that her mother used to make, that her mother used to make, that HER mother used-- you got it. Every Thanksgiving, I've approached the day with anticipation and excitement. It is my lifelong favorite food holiday. This is the first year in over a quarter-century, I was not looking forward to it. I hadn't even admitted that to myself. But as soon as Ossie offered, it hit me like a bolt...the relief, and I suddenly thought, I'm free, I'm free, free at last! And Ossie is my redemptor! Oh, hooRAW!

I may want to prepare it again next year, or I just may want to start a new tRAWdition. The important thing is, Ossie is trying to be supportive. He doesn’t know it, but with just these two baby steps, he’s already on better ground with me. OOO-raw, Ossie.

I wonder what ground I’m on with him. Maybe I'll try some more of that new communication thing, and see if I can find out.

Taking a Personal Month

Reading an article in WSJ this morning brought to mind the wry acknowledgment that I seem to be taking the Personal Day thing a bit far, lately. Only thing is, with my own business, there is really no one to whom I have to give excuses--- well, I might want to make something up for a few of my associates whose raised eyebrows I'm beginning to hear in their voices over the phone. And perhaps for Ossie, creator of Princess Phatso's persona, who might have some concerns if I ask for an extension on my half of the mortgage in a few weeks.

But if I did need an excuse, I still doubt I would resort to what the people over at Vision Matters are offering:

"Some people think every working stiff needs the occasional mental-health day (read: an unexcused day off), and others think there's no excuse for that type of thing. Whatever its philosophical position might be, Vision Matters is getting in on the action with its Excused Absence Network. For about $25, students and employees can buy excuse notes from the Web site that appear to come from doctors, fake jury summons, or authentic-looking funeral service programs, complete with a list of pallbearers. Appalling? "Millions of Americans work dead-end jobs, and sometimes they just need a day off," said John Liddell, co-founder of Vision Matters. Critics raise concerns about legal matters -- for example, if a medical provider is implicated. Mr. Liddell says his site gets 15,000 hits a month."

The site entices visitors with inviting rhetoric, such as "Imagine being able to create a Doctor's Note--wouldn't that be great?" and "Have you ever wondered how to get paid from your employer without even being at work?" As a bonus to drooling prospective deadbeats, they've splashed a garish banner ad across the top of their welcome page, promising one "lucky" customer a free Boob Job, if they can manage to direct their trembling thumbs to text "BIG" to the advertised number. Oh, and the automatic audio site message that blares a witty commercial as you attempt to take all this in, ends with the sotto voce disclaimer, "For entertainment purposes only."

The lack of principles at work behind the philosophy that led to the development of such a website and the very existence of its apparent devotees is why I am overweight. Your neck may still be wrenched from this quantum leap of logic, but patience, Grasshopper, allow me to explain.

I'm talking slippage. Walking too close, too many times to the edge of the precipice of honesty, integrity, perseverance... we're bound to up our chances of slipping... down that easier, softer path. The path that leads to The Enchanted Forest of Entitlement, beyond which lies The Slough of I Deserve It. Since when did we become a population who is so ticked off at having to work to make our way in the world that it becomes acceptable to steal our wages from those who give us gainful employment? And in order to do it, we impersonate a professional whose very attainment of their skills belies exactly what we are trying to avoid: w-w-w-o-o-o-r-r-rk.
How cool is that?

I'll bet one New Jersey woman who used one of their notes to get out of appearing in traffic court came to believe it wasn't so cool. When court officials called the chiropractor who "signed" the note, he informed them he never heard of the woman, and she found out that, in addition to having a right to her personal down-time, she also had the right to remain silent. Maybe Vision Matters can create another site with virtual attorneys for hire...for about $25.

Apparently too many times I've chosen to reward myself...for nothing. Too many times I stole from my own family, by over-consuming resources that were there for all of us. Too many times I excused myself from doing what every human needs to do to remain healthy and mobile, daily exercise. I failed to even honor my body as much as I would my car, provide it the proper fuel and move it daily. Vainly seeking the ephemeral something for nothing.

Well. I'm changing that now, on a daily basis. I can only make amends for my past actions by choosing differently today. What I find, and what I think so many of us find once we make it past puberty, is a society so fast-paced and so complex that pure and uncomplicated principles are unspeakably difficult to maintain with any kind of balance. But that is the challenge, nonetheless. To do exactly that, maintain balance. And with that in mind, I regret to see my Personal Month coming to an end.

...think I will email that site, though, and see what kind of note they recommend for use with a hard-driving, pitiless Raw Food Boot Camp instructor.

Pigs Don't Sweat, and other inconvenient truths

My apologies in advance to Mr. Gore, for scamming on your buzz-title which is already over-tritened, sir--- your beating the green drum aside and leading the global-warming rumba with your energy-use conservation model--- oh! oops, well, not so much that, but with the wanting us to share one piece of toilet paper and all that stuff ---and as an aside, if you did invent the internet, I'd like to go ahead and thank you for that, sort of just in case, because the availability of it has so thoroughly transformed my life many times. I always want to show gratitude where it is due.

But that brings me back to pigs and the internet. I was thinking on my walk the other night about what I was doing, walking. And not a stroll, mind you, a pretty decent clip, and with the dewpoint registering above 90% humidity, within twenty minutes, sweat was streaming down my face and popping up in many of the usual sweat-producing places of the human body. And that led me to look for physiological confirmation in other walker/runner/bladers on the sidewalk winding around the seawall along the bay. My observation was more sweat was evident on fluffy/plump/fat/alright...obese people than on those in better physical condition. Then my mind wandered to the impolite terms used and thoughts about this particular class of citizens, to which I currently belong, and I thought I might set about disabusing a few people of some of those mythological notions.

1. "He/she was sweating like a pig." Pigs don't sweat. That's why it's kind of important to provide them a mud-wallow, or watering hole they can cool off in during the heat of the day. People do, but they sweat like...people. And fluffy/plump/fat/alright...obese people maybe do more than others because toxins like to hide in fat cells, they absolutely love it there, it is like a luxury condo for toxins, fat is. And the more toxins, the more sweating the body needs to squeeze the corrupted little passengers out, ergo, more fat, more toxins, more sweating. So don't be hatin' the sweatin'... it's a good thing, Martha.
2. "Obese people need to love their bodies." Obese people need to love themselves enough to change their bodies. Depending upon the perspective, the body is at the best a temple and at the very least a vehicle. I've seen people treat their vehicles better than their bodies. No, I love myself... I have a few resentments but I'm working on squeezing those out, too... but I don't love what has become of my body. But I will...I will.
3. "All you need is to work on your will power." Do you know how much will power it takes to stay up until all hours of the night, waiting until everyone is asleep, so you can sit undisturbed and watch re-runs of re-runs of X-Files you've seen at least nine times each, so you will have an excuse to sit and consume portion after portion of food of which you are not even fond and will later have little recollection ... just so you can feel some pseudo-semblance of filling an unfillable hole within? THAT, my friend, takes will power. Wrong-headed will power, will power from the Fat Brain, will power that is not aligned with any thing healthy or good. But will power, nonetheless. The fluffy/plump/fat/alright...obese people need to work on aligning their wills, with whatever is good, whatever is strengthening, whatever will bring them into balance with their own highest and best purpose, before they ever think about unleashing the power.
4. "Betcher gonna get tired of just eating...xyz." Okay, I'll betcha. Whatcha wanna bet? Want to bet I'll fail miserably and just keep getting bigger and bigger until I explode like an overblown helium balloon? Because what's in this bet for you? That's what you're really saying, is you're just waiting around for me to have all my misery and depression refunded to me when I am unable to complete yet another attempt at self-restoration. Or you can't see how you could possibly do it, therefore, you will choose to withhold your support of my efforts, because you can't possibly believe in me more than you can believe in yourself. How about just a simple, "I think that's great! Good for you! I know you can do it!" If that wouldn't be too big of a personal cost, your belief in me, just one more time, would be greatly appreciated.

These are a sample of random thoughts that wander into my brain, unbidden, as I go on my evening walks. It occurred to me also, that the next time I posted, I should not focus entirely upon my thoughts, but what is going on with me physically. It is the 16th day of Raw Food Boot Camp, Holiday Rush 1 for me. I've released 14.6 pounds as of yesterday, and 13 out of the 16 days have walked at least an hour, and sometimes more. I have planned a schedule adding in increasing and more varied types of exercise, but for now the walks and treadmill or that leg-scissors-thingy at Shapes will do the trick. I eat raw fruit every day, a few veggies, but mostly fruit. I love fruit. I love eating raw. In this short of a time period, my sinuses have cleared, my skin texture is improving, people have told me I look as if stress has fallen out of my face, I've lost pounds and inches, and, despite the occasional de-tox symptom, I feel a clarity and energy I haven't in a long time... I truly feel great. And all because I've been eating raw fruit...and sweatin' like a pig.

If Monkees Can Die From Bananas...Why Can't I?

I read in an article written by Frederic Patenaude about a sign he read while in Costa Rica, that stated, "Contrary to the stereotype, bananas are not the preferred food of monkeys in the wild. Bananas, especially those containing pesticides can be upsetting to the monkeys' delicate digestive system and cause serious dental problems that can lead to eventual death."

Anyone who has read more than a few pages about Frederic knows he is absolutely devoted to dental hygiene. In fact, I'd say he could more closely be classified as a fanatic about healthy teeth and gums. And not without good cause. He is one of raw food's leading gurus, and he acknowledges the "weak link" in the raw foodist diet is basically a very serious possible side effect, dental decay and oral problems. The entire article is--- personal product plugs notwithstanding-- pretty informative and does offer condensed solutions, which is all I'm looking for, and I found it under the October 13th post on his blog.

Back to the mortal threat of bananas to the bononos...supposedly their inability to brush their teeth would make them more at risk, and only because the sugar content would be feeding the elevated bacteria population of their mouths and leading to dental disease, from which infection can more quickly enter the bloodstream, get to the brain, and quicker than you can say "Zoom! Darkening" the monkey keels over and assumes ground temperature... which leads me to my all-time favorite riddle:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

The first time I read that joke, it struck me just right, and sent me into gales of laughter. When I retold the joke, and discovered a much lower percentage of my audience was able to find the humour in it than I, I have since learned to take enjoyment from the blank looks on faces, and the fact that something I found amusing others often find annoying, and the very dichotomy sends me into paroxysms of gaiety all over again.

Which leads me to another point...I really don't find dead monkeys amusing. Nor dead animals of any sort. Their respective demises all cause me pain. Even so, I would like to see the study that led to the posting of the sign in Costa Rica, apparently in an attempt to dissuade its readers from handing out bananas willy-nilly to wayfaring monkeys which might be encountered in the wilds of Costa Rica, that gives empirical evidence wild monkeys have "delicate" systems. That's all I'd like to know.

Wild monkey deaths and rampant tooth decay aside, this is my eleventh day as a 100% raw foodist. It seems to suit me well, so far, as a lifestyle... I am actually quite pleased with it... and I've yet to experience any nasty cravings...yet. I won't be a Pollyanna and think that day will never come... but by and large I am so pleased with how I feel: re-energized, more alert, no CRAVINGS... my sinuses have cleared, my snoring is lessening... I had been waking up with dry eyes the past couple of months and that is gone... I don't know what all that means, or what it portends... all I know is, coincidentally, these things have happened in my life and body after I began consuming only raw fruits and some vegetables.

But I am considering cutting back on the bananas...

The Worst Thing About My First Day Raw

The worst thing about my first day raw with RFBC was the hour leading up to the time I had set for myself, in my head, to exercise...w-w-w-w-a-a-a-a-lk. How do I hate thee, walking? Let me count the ways... to the depth of shame I feel walking down my favorite walk by the bay as I pass the multitudes of other walker/skater/bikers, all thinner than I. To the heighth of my body which does not seem to be stretched to its full heighth as I walk, but instead, to be sinking, vertebrae by vertebrae into the back of my pelvis, compacting what coccyx I have left into a Necco-sized wafer. To the breadth of my, well, breadth, as my almost-normal sized ankles attempt to balance an entire additional person inside the skin we call my body and totter both beings along the sidewalk at a 3mph clip for 60 minutes.

Right up until I bent forward, squishing a goodly part of me between my chest and my upper thighs as I perched on the sofa, to tie my shoes, stood up and walked right out the front door, my tuchas rushing behind to catch up, no doubt wondering where the feet were going at this hour... right up until then I was not 100% sure I could count on myself to do it. But, I did.

And not without many arguments with Little Voice (not exactly sure, but I think it is the spirit of a long-deceased Native American, apparently bent upon my destruction, I picked up while living in the desert a decade ago), which periodically hissed suggestions I turn back because my large left toe had begun to hurt. Then the blister I got a few days ago on my Achilles tendon flared up, then the back thing kicked in... and it was dark and there were too many thin people to pass, their attractive visages filling and tormenting my view... and on and on... thank God and Drill Sergeant Carlene I got sick of listening to Little Voice's whining this time, and began to distract myself instead with the beautiful surroundings, and to be thankful I could get up and walk at all, and began to notice instead the breeze blowing off the bay helping to drybrush the sweat from my skin.

No nausea today, feeling clean and healthy, and ever so grateful for having taken the walk.

Seeking Rawtiety

Today is the day I begin the Raw Food Boot Camp I mentioned in an earlier post. I am very excited and quite ready... I'm ready to see if I can actually follow through with a commitment, 100%, without cheating and what it will do for me, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

I'm looking forward to meeting all the other women who are involved... and I'll be journaling here to let anyone who wants to follow along know what it is like to go from an omnivorous, cooking-loving, foodie to a raw foodist from one day to the next. Oh, I have slowed down on meats the last few weeks, and actually overall for quite a while, preferring chicken and fish, and eating a great deal of veggies. But this program is radically different. I've thought about it for a long time...about two years... I've toyed with raw before, and I like it.

There are more than eating issues, however, associated with going raw. There are a lot of emotional issues and first-family re-programming issues... that I have only begun to explore in my mind. In a way, I'm looking forward to getting this journey underway so I can get on with actually encountering the obstacles, because the suspense about how I'm going to react is killing me.

Not to mention all the extra weight I'm carrying...

Pain of Remaining the Same

I am not sure I am being a good journaler, in that I am logging in for the mere sake of logging in and writing something, but then again, the hallmark of a truly good writer is one who gets up and practices their art, or their craft if you will, daily. I've always found it difficult to do anything daily, except perhaps brushing my teeth, and there have been times even that was a stretch.

I just read another blog by C.H. Featherstone in which he simply discussed various religious services he had attended in several different languages, and stated if one was open, intimating that whether the language was completely understood or not, one could find the Spirit anywhere, and I suppose I agree with that to a great extent. I have found myself in much worse places than edifices housing religious services not coinciding with my avowed flavor, and been able to call upon the Holy Spirit of My Father in heaven, and found Him there, in a heartbeat, so to speak.

He also stated that he intended to pursue a Masters of Divinity program at the Lutheran School of Theology in Chicago this fall. He has been working as a journalist for a decade, and I found a great admiration for his having the chutzpah to be able to state "Journalism is no longer my calling, if it ever was."

It was a brief, but thought-provoking, and not un-coincidental, blog reading for me. I have been sensing the breezes of change for a while whispering about my life. Hinting to me there might be something more planned for me to do, to pursue. But the thought of breaking out of my safety net of a living which I had always believed to be that last career... well I have not been handling it well. I believe my inability to grasp the possibility that I might still have some unrecognized potential left in this deteriorating temple of mine... it has contributed to the self-abuse. It occurs to me I've spent so much energy attempting to keep change-- and growth!-- at bay, I've actually developed stress cracks that extend from my flesh into the center of my soul. Maybe that accounts for some of the bitterness one of my friends claims she can see in me. Maybe that accounts for the emotional aloofness and bulldog tenacity with which I pursue anything I perceive to be slightly within my right of control, which angers my eldest son to the point of maternal renunciation.

It has been two decades since I was shaken to my core, to my immense betterment and complete physical and spiritual renovation. For some odd reason, I did not take the lesson of Faust, and I paused... and allowed myself to think "I am done. It is enough." Well of course it is not. Pause much longer, and I am destined to become the devil's fodder. Instead, it is time...to return to the basics of the serenity prayer, to accept the flow of life's current, to ask for the courage to withstand the knocks of the rocks surely to impede my new path, to throw myself upon the mercy of God and His Universe of Love, and to embrace the adventure.

I believe I am ready... I will be pursuing a new regime of studying the effect of raw food on my body, this fall, until late November, and again for a semester in January. I am no longer fearful of where it may take me, but eager to see my life be renewed again.

Dreams can be very Telling

Ugh, bleccch. How I feel about how I've behaved the past two months. Life has been a maelstrom, and whatever weight I lost the first few weeks of July has certainly returned with reinforcements by now.

But I had a dream. It was two nights ago now. I was in a hospital and someone was telling me "You have to get up, get up and go find help!" and in the dream I ran out into the hall, which was littered with different colored plastic tubelines all running along a grey carpet, and the hallways were all crooked, and I ran down to the bottom and saw a nurse tending to a man on a cart in the hallway, but he was covered as if he had passed away. Suddenly little orange and white lights in round, aluminum exploded partway open into star-shaped balls emitting bright light, like Christmas balls, all over his body, and I awoke and my heart was pounding hard AND racing as I was laying asleep...

I'd had a particularly stressful day, and overate and overdrank before going to sleep--- it was my body calling out to me to go get help. I roused my husband in the next room (I snore too loudly for anyone to sleep next to) and he got me onto the couch, directly under a fan, elevated my feet, and gave me aspirin. My heartrate was double what it should have been. It took nearly half an hour to slow back down. It wasn't a heart attack, but it was SOMETHING. A wake-up call, let's call it.

So I contacted this woman, this warrior of a woman, whose website I've been visiting over a year now. I've toyed, I've played with the vegan/rawfoodan route to regain my health. I've studied it a lot, even attempted it a couple times. This time's for real. I told her my dream, and she said "Dreams can be very telling." In reading her journal, I see she dreams vividly too.

I still have a very strong dream, of being very strong and lean and regaining the healthy, athletic body with which I had been gifted, and cleansing out my temple. It occurred to me the other day, no matter how one believes, no matter what religion or philosophy, whether in spirit, soul, or Spirit/soul... all our bodies are temples in which that highest part of us is housed. Do I really want my soul to live in this rundown ramshackle building? No, and I want to remodel as quickly and efficiently as possible. She told me to start moving towards raw by cutting processed foods and overt fats like fried foods and cheese. "Eat lean to live long." I haven't eaten fried in a long time, but I can find ways to cut out my over-usage of good fats. And change the times I am eating, the latenight grazing, which has become my particular drug of choice.

I'm told I must be willing to ask family and friends for their support during the stages of this new program. This support is crucial. Hiding the diet from others because I don’t want to defend it or explain how I am trying, yet again, "one... more... diet" does not work. It will hurt me in the end, so this is for the world to see, whatever portion of it ever does. At least I'm still putting it out there. Hope it's not just a confession complex. Here I go again on my own.

I'm Thinking About It!!! What about you, Paris?

Well, I read about a guy who got all his books, got ready to go on his eating and weight-training program, and said he thought about it for several months before finally getting with it. I shook my head at his ineffectiveness sadly. Tonight, I'm shaking my head at me.

Well, doggone it, what did I do wrong? I didn't DO, to begin with, all the things I said I would. I pulled a Paris Hilton, and I went to that first "Lindsay Lohan" event in my life that came up last week, and it was struggle-city after that. The first chink...the first failure after the commitment makes each succeeding "slip" a little easier, and a little easier. So what is my solution for this week?

Well, I have to begin with forgiveness. Oh, that brings me back to the story of Princess Phatso, a hurt and now a revenge fantasy I've obviously hung onto for several years now. Okay, so here it is. I decided to have a frank discussion with my husband, whom I shall henceforth call Ossie (because he's a cross between an aging rockstar and an ostrich), about the giant dead horse's rotting corpse which sat in the middle of our den covered by an expensive Persian rug--- okay, that first part? A literary device called a metaphor, and it's not an expensive Persian rug, but a reasonable facsimile I found on sale at Home Depot. But I digress. What was that a metaphor for, you ask.

It was a metaphor for the subject of our complete lack of physical touch for several years. A subject we never touched upon...oh, pun intended, you bet...but as each day, week and month passed, the lump between us we carefully avoided seemed to grow bigger and bigger in my mind. So, one night, possibly fortified with my tactical defense troops, the 5th Cab Sauv and Brigadier Gen. Bombay of Sapphire, I thought by gosh, this shall not go on one more minute. And I kept broaching, and he kept slithering, and I countered, and he counter-crawled away, until finally he said, okay ya wanna know? YA WANNA KNOW WHY? because how could I possibly want to have anything to do with you now that you look like that? WHO could? And I mentioned that my body was good enough to bring home at least half and usually more of the available finances in the household, and it was agreed that was why we tolerated each other, that, and a son who was still a couple years away from graduation, and after several more heated exchanges, it was agreed we both looked forward to that day when we no longer had to pretend...and it ended with him storming from the room--- because my forte is to become quieter and quieter and more in control, and his forte is to rage and intimidate--- and he yelled back over his shoulder, just before slamming the french door hard enough to knock pictures off the wall, "PRINCESS FATSO"! So there, boys and girls, is the tale of how Princess Phatso was born.

See, I took that, and I became stronger, just by tiny, tiny steps. I let it ferment for a long time. I decided someday, when I was once again lean, and strong, and something physically desirable about me again, I would turn that intended vitriole into victory, I would metamorphose from "Fatso" into "PHATSO!", and I would have the title emblazoned in sequins on a tight-fitting, low-cut t-shirt, and I would proudly wear it, as a badge of my deliverance from my bulk. The thing I probably need to work on is getting rid of any notions of revenge, but we'll see how that plays out. We cannot burn our bridges until we arrive at them, now can we?

So maybe that is my Big Reason Why... and I'm afraid it's not good enough, Adam. Not wholesome enough. It's vindictive, and that's not right. But oh it would be so delicious. But is it doomed to fail because it is too mean-spirited? I don't know. But I do know, since I've brought it back up, and since I set my 12 months goal, I've eaten better, drank healthier, and been more encouraged overall. I am scheduled to go to the gym tomorrow. I so hope I get that done. If I can just get back on track again. I just know I can do it.

"What is YOUR Powerful Reason Why?"

This is the question I got slapped with in the face when I downloaded Adam J. Waters special report after subscribing to his free newsletter.

He asks,

"What moves you?
What motivates you?
What strikes that inner nerve?
Who are you doing this for? You or someone else?
Do you want to be a role model for your children?
Do you want to be in shape so you can find that special partner?
Do you have health challenges that you want to erase?
Are you tired of the insults you get from family and friends about your weight?
Is there that special someone you want to impress?
Do you want to gain respect from your peers and colleagues?
Do you want to have a career in fitness?
Finally, why are you even reading this report?"

Alrightey then, Adam, let me take a moment and see. I'll just go down the line:

a lotta things/fear and desire/bossy writers/me and a multitude/right now they're role models for me/you mean, so I might actually attract the special partner I already have? I dunno, ask me again when I get over my deep-seated resentment of him/unfortunately, recently, yes/yes/well, I'd like to especially impress someone/DEFINITELY/well, I hadn't really thought about it, Adam, but if I could regain my becoming form once again, anything's possible/because, Adam, you enticed me onto your blogspot when I read your articles on Tom Venuto's Burn the Fat Inner Circle website.

Yes, here I am, dying, crying, but still trying after all these years. I'm going to go ahead and give myself credit for that. But not much else in the way of having kept my body and health up to snuff.

Well not to be flippant, Adam, because I can tell you're really passionate about this transforming your life thing. And, BTW, kudos to you, you have done an abfab job. Guess that's what a middle-aged knowitall is doing reading your report, because I am seduced by the idea, the dream that I, too, may be able to render all the repulsive fat off , leaving behind only the lovely and svelte woman I dream is still inside this lumpen cocoon I have drug around with me all day for pretty much the past two decades.

You said it might hurt, to delve deep inside for my very own Powerful Reason Why. You weren't lyin'. Oh, not that there haven't been many hurtful episodes, and not that it hasn't affected my longterm relationship in general for years, and of course the slightly catty downglances from female associates and employees (ala Mike Myers as the character Middle-Aged Man in old SNL episodes, yelling to his embarrassed companions "Are you looking at my stomach? You're looking at my stomach, aren't you!!) ..... all those things of course are reasons why. And knowing it would make my business go through the roof, and knowing I could keep up with the "kids"... but one incident in particular....kept popping up when I thought about your question. And I knew it would drive me, although it happened a few years ago, now, it has been sitting, buried, festering...

And would you like to know what that PRW is?

I don't think I can write it down right now. Even though no one will probably read this blog, except me, which is great. I don't think I want it read yet. I'm just journaling because you said it would help, and posting, because you said it was key, accountability. I'm going to think about it for awhile, and see if I can write it down... a little later.

Okay, goodnight, Adam, wish me well.